Chapter 1: Terinyo Quest-O-Rama

Introduction (You may wanna grab a cup of coffee for this part...)

I have a tale from days long gone, of the scrawny Rat who told a lie...
The rebels saw his plans undone, and arrows rained down from on high!
RUN, RUN was his soldier's wail, as death from above continued to hail
For the Rat, the Rat, the end is nigh, on his knees for mercy, we'll hear him cry...

Wait, what do you MEAN I've got my notes mixed up? Oh, ohhhh... now I get it. THIS is the note I should be reading. Thanks. Ahem. Sorry about that.

I am the thorn in the foot, I am the blur in the sight;
I am the worm at the root, I am the thief in the night.
I am the rat in the wall, the leper that leers at the gate;
I am the ghost in the hall, herald of horror and hate.

I am the rust on the corn, I am the smut on the wheat,
Laughing man's labor to scorn, weaving a web for his feet.
I am canker and mildew and blight, danger and death and decay;
The rot of the rain by night, the blast of the sun by day.

I warp and wither with drouth, I work in the swamp's foul yeast;
I bring the black plague from the south and the leprosy in from the east.
I rend from the hemlock boughs wine steeped in the petals of dooms;
Where the fat black serpents drowse I gather the Upas blooms.

I have plumbed the northern ice for a spell like Frozen lead;
In lost gray fields of rice, I have learned from Mongol dead.
Where a bleak black mountain stands I have looted grisly caves;
I have digged in the desert sands to plunder terrible graves.

Never the sun goes forth, never the moon glows red,
But out of the south or the north, I come with the slavering dead.
I come with hideous spells, black chants and ghastly tunes;
I have looted the hidden hells and plundered the lost black moons.

There was never a king or priest to cheer me by word or look,
There was never a man or beast in the blood-black ways I took.
There were crimson gulfs unplumbed, there were black wings over a sea,
There were pits where mad things drummed, and foaming blasphemy.

There were vast ungodly tombs where slimy monsters dreamed;
There were clouds like blood-drenched plumes where unborn demons screamed.
There were ages dead to Time, and lands lost out of Space;
There were adders in the slime, and a dim unholy Face.

Oh, the heart in my breast turned stone, and the brain froze in my skull --
But I won through, I alone, and poured my chalice full
Of horrors and dooms and spells, black buds and bitter roots --
From the hells beneath the hells, I bring you my deathly fruits.

... let me guess, wrong one again. Goddammit, stupid Mad Minstrel, I told him not to put his cue cards next to mine! What he's doing with a poem from Conan the Barbarian and one from Stronghold I'll never know... ahem, here we go, this is it, and I'm sure this time. YES. YES, I am SURE. Now shut up and let me read it.

For 6000 years, the world of Ancardia was left untouched by the incursions of Chaos, but finally the sinister forces of evil and darkness have found this young and teeming world. In a remote mountain complex, huge dungeons were formed by great magical powers. They seem to contain some kind of dimensional gate which allows terrors from unknown dimensions to enter the world of Ancardia and wreak havoc.

For years, nobody understood the true cause of sudden ambushes by evil monsters, incursions by hideous monster armies, and the rising tide of Chaos. Finally Khelavaster, the great sage, uncovered an ancient prophecy foretelling the Coming of Chaos - a dark and sinister time when the skill, power and valor of a single hero would determine the future of the world. The ancient scrolls of prophecy hinted at a remote mountain range - the Drakalor Chain - which was destined to be the final battleground for an epic fight between Chaos and Order. Khelavaster quickly made this known to all the intelligent races of Ancardia.

Within weeks, many heroes set out to find the source of the chaotic forces and destroy it. Khelavaster was among the first to enter those dungeons. Many heroes have followed him since then, but no one has ever returned from the dungeons. Thus the forces of Chaos continue their conquest and threaten to defile Ancardia...

The influx of heroes, despite the grim prospects of those who had entered before them, continued unabated. Having just entered the Drakalor Chain, a young fighter by the name of Dayn prepares to delve into the depths of the mystery surrounding the Ancardia Chaos, and find out if he is the hero fated to rise above the fallen ones and slay the forces of Chaos on Ancardia forever. Yet what he doesn't know is that his adventure will lead him through a dangerous maze of hilarity, unbelievable quests, boring tedium, action-packed excitement that's full of um... more excitement, y'know, kinda like a box in a box or something, and general idiotic blundering of epic proportions.


Dayn: So, here I am, just stepping into the Drakalor Chain... Yep... just... stepping... wait, where am I going again? The guy I talked to said I should go to that place called... Terinyee... Taranyoyo... Teriyaki? Dammit, I can't remember the name... how am I supposed to find out what the hell is going on on this godforsaken planet if I don't have a town to find rumors in? After all, everybody on a quest invariably gets the information they need through rumors... if only I had a fortune cookie... or the Writings of Confucious... or a map... or any idea where the hell Ter-whatever-it-is... is.

Dayn: ... maybe there's a hole-in-the-wall somewhere around here. Seedy places like that always have info... oh look, there's Terinyo! THAT'S what it's called!

Sign: WELCOME TO TERINYO! Population... 80, possibly fluctuating randomly depending on the visiting status of raiders or bloodthirsty adventurers such as yourself.

Dayn: Hi friendly sign. Wait, why am I talking to a sign? Ah well...

*one Terinyo-entering later*

Dayn: Hmm. Trees, more trees, some trees, houses with trees growing alongside them. I feel at ease for some reason.

Child: ...

Dayn: Why, hello there.

Child: MOMMY, MOMMY, THE HUMAN IS SCARING ME! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Goodwife: Come along, Child, let's get away from the bad bad human!

Dayn: Well... this is at once thoroughly odd and strangely disturbing. I no longer feel at ease. *sarcastically* Wonder if it's related? *normally* Then again, I suppose it doesn't help to be going around waving a sword and shield in chain mail and trying to look gentle... oh look, I got torches! *lights torch and waves it around wildly* MUWAHAHAH, I'M THE PYROMANIATOR!

Child: O_o *backs away slowly*

Goodwife: o_O *picks up child and runs*

Dayn: I should have seen that coming... damn me and my odd bouts of pyromania. Hey look, I'm talking all sophisticated-like!

Rynt: Ye call that sophisticated-like? Pah!

Dayn: Who be thou?

Rynt: Ah, ye do know the proper olde speaketh syntaxe!

Dayn: Thy studied overcomplicatatan languages as my minoreth.

Rynt: ... despite the fact that you are obviously a fighter and thus probably didn't go to university, not to mention that there barely ARE any universities in Ancardia? Christ, man, this is a sword 'n sorcery setting, not the modern age!

Dayn: ... yes.

Rynt: Ah, good enough for me then... eth. I want you to do something for me...

Dayn: I'm a little busy trying to find out the roots of the corruption that's slowly seeping into and destroying Ancardia. Maybe later.

Rynt: Leteth me rephrase that... you WILL doeth something for me...

Dayn: Or else?

Rynt: Now thy be catching on!

Dayn: I'm a fighter, you're a brittle old man. Hell, I could just swipe my sword once and sever your neck.

*.2 seconds later*

*Dayn's HP is at 0.0000000000000001/26*

Dayn: X_x ... oweth

Rynt: Now listen closelieth... there's a cave south-easteth of here.

Dayn: No there isn't... I was just there. There's nothing there but some rough hills.

Rynt: There is now!

Dayn: ... last time I checked, things don't become true just because you say them.

Rynt: DAMMIT, IT'S THERE BECAUSE I SAY IT WAS! YOU JUST DIDN'T SEE IT THE FIRST TIME OR SOMETHING!

Dayn: Are you senile?

Rynt: Quite possibly... eth.

Dayn: Ah, that explains it then. Continue.

Rynt: Ah, yeseth. There be a cave south-easteth of here. Recently our village has been troubled by critter attacks from iteth. Our carpenter, Yrrigs, went to investigateth, but did not return. It would be great if ye could discover his whereabouts.

Dayn: In the interest of my continued well-being and rather dangerously low hitpoint meter, I accept your request.

Rynt: Excellent-eth. I shall be awaiting you with a reward.

Dayn: *walking away* Well, that was... an odd exchange.

Tiny girl: Yo, fighter guy...!

Dayn: Hmm? What is it, little girl?

Tiny girl: Find my puppy! It disappeared into a dark hole on da pass!

Dayn: Umm... what hole?

Tiny girl: The hole, you know!

Dayn: ... I was just there. There is no hole. I can tell you that.

Tiny girl: Yes there is!

Dayn: Um, no...

Tiny girl: YES THERE IS, NOW GET IN THERE BEFORE MY PUPPY DIES OF STARVATION!!

*in wilderness*

Dog: SHES SCREAMING AGAIN! AHHHHHHHH!!

Dog 2: COVER YOUR EARS AND RUN FOR THE HILLS BEFORE OUR BRAINS IMPLODE!!

*back in Terinyo*

Dayn: ... interesting, my inner ear seems to have exploded.

*One potion of inner-ear repair later*

Dayn: I need some food for quests to these "caves". Wonder if that shop has anything.

*ding*

Munxip: Welcome to Munxip's Magnificent Munchies Mall! Feel free to look around, ask questions, and tell me if ye notice any thieves!

Dayn: I do have one question...

Munxip: Yeseth?

Dayn: ... "Magnificent munchies mall"?

Munxip: What about it?

Dayn: ... if you don't see what's hilariously tacky about that, I don't think you ever will.

Munxip: You be insulting my shop name?!

Dayn: Naming a shop with that kind of name is just asking to be made fun of. No offense.

Munxip: OK, what do you suggest?

Dayn: Anything but the current name. Nevermind, just give me-

Munxip: NO, TELL ME A BETTER NAME, WISEGUY!

Dayn: O_o Umm... please be gentle with the volume... I kinda just had my inner ear repaired.

Munxip: The tiny girl?

Dayn: Yep, she's a screamer all right...

Munxip: Ye telling me. She must have a voicebox that's ten times larger than average size. Thankfully, I've heard that the demand for potions of inner ear repair is skyrocketing!

Dayn: Gee, go figure. *is clutching several*

*after buying several large rations, and dodging repeated inquiries of a better name*

Dayn: Am I glad to be out of that crazy town... well, time to go to the cave north-east of here and find that girl's dog before it dies of starvation. I'm sure the carpenter won't go mad or anything due to his long stay in the dungeon. Nope, he'll be fine.

*one arrival at the hole later*

Dayn: How the hell did this hole get here? Oh well, here I go. Off into the hole! Whoa, these steps are pretty slippery-

*POW*
*WHACK*
*CRUNCH*
*BAM*

Dayn: ... okay, I think my spleen just ruptured.

*Current HP: not that much*

Dayn: I'm going to die... goddamn slippery steps. You'd think the maintainers of the dungeons of doom could afford to hire a few freakin' janitors to mop up the steps. *grumble*


And so our hero's quest hath beguneth! Tune in for Chapter II: "Those Crackerf#$^!ing Ants!" to see where our beloved hero turns up.

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir