Chapter 14: Who Needs Medical School?
Travis: I wonder what we'll get from Thrundarr for completing this quest. *holds up unholy symbol at kobold zombie, causing the zombie to explode violently*
Dayn: I hope it's some shiny new weapon!
Travis: Ugh. Could you at least TRY to think past your bashy nature as a fighter?!
Dayn: For the last time, the only reason I'm interested in weapons is my own survival, and by extention yours! I AM NOT A BASHER!
Dutchess: bawr...
Travis: I know, Dutchess, he's in denial...
Dayn: *holds head in hands* Ugh...
Caveman: Ugh?
Dayn: ... wha?
Travis: I think you just said something in caveman language...
Caveman: >_< UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGALAMANGA!
Travis: And it wasn't friendly.
Dayn: I think I might have insulted his mother....
Penguin: *putts between the caveman's legs* Butt butt butt butt butt butt.
Dylan: GET BACK HERE YOU TUXEDO-WEARING ICE CREATURE THING!! *tears after penguin, knocking caveman over*
Lee: I SHALL RULE THE WORLD WITH THIS NEEDLE, AND THIS STRING! *runs after Dylan, stepping on Caveman's face*
Sliat: SLOW DOWN DAMN YOU!!! *jumps on caveman, jumps after Lee*
Knux: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGA! *runs after Sliat, stepping on caveman. Knux stops as he steps on the caveman and pokes the now-bleeding-and-unconcious caveman with his club a few times, then kicks him in the head before running on.*
Dayn: There they go again...
Travis: We didn't see that....
Dayn: Agreed.
Dutchess: Woof...
Travis: O_o do I have to use the soap on that mouth?!
Dayn: *sigh* ... sometimes I think we're all crazy...
*back outside Thrundarr's hut*
Thrundarr: *inside hut* Oh yeah! THAT'S IT! POUND 'EM! YAHA!
Dayn: Errrr.... you go in...
Travis: No... you...
Elite Dwarven Guardian: Oh for the love of... he's watching dwarven wrestling. Geez... get your minds out of the gutter.
Travis: I don't think i can... it's a deep gutter...
EDG: *sigh* Just enter and greet our elder.
*later*
Thrundarr: All right, all right, what's the big deal interrupting me when I'm watching the tournament on the crystal teleball? Make it quick!
Travis: We found out what was beyond the animated forest!
Thrundarr: Really?
Travis: Yeah, and we killed the whole forest to do it.
Thrundarr: PERFECT!
Travis: ... we weren't expecting you to be happy. At the very least... indifferent.
Thrundarr: No, I hate those trees as much as you do. One killed my best hat. Sniff... I still miss him. Oh George...
Dayn: Err... can you just give us the reward?
Thrundarr: Why certainly! *drops several wands and a potion, along with a mithril sword*
Dayn: ALRIGHT! *picks up sword and potion* This thing's high-quality! No more weapon-rustage for me ^.^
Travis: Hmmm... what kind of wands are these?
Thrundarr: One's a wand of fire, and the other's one of teleportation, and the last one there is a Wand of Randomness.
Travis: Don't you mean Wonder?
Thrundarr: Nay, this be different. Every day it's effect changes. It could be a fireball, it could be a knock spell, and it could be the end of the world.
Travis: ... seriously? ANYTHING?!
Thrundarr: No, there's an upper limit. Geez, I was joking about the end of the world thing... You chaotic freak...
Travis: Oh.
Thrundarr: Also, it never runs out of charges.
Travis: .... SWEET DEAL!
Thrundarr: Anyway... well... wait... I thought you were going to go deeper before coming back?
Travis: Nah, after that we just wanted to get the hell on back here. Once we stock back up on supplies we'll be off. Besides, the writers are liars...
Dayn: Maybe we'll even find Khelavaster!
Travis: Don't be ridicoulous... he's a powerful sage. He's long left any kind of semblance of proximity to us.
Dayn: Maybe...
*later*
Dayn: Well, we've gone through the remains of the animated forest. I found some cash :D
Travis: I found a leather armor of protection! *puts it on* I will never be hurt again ^.^
Dayn: Except for the fact that it's got a hole through it and dirt would probably protect you better.
Travis: ... oh. Well... *attempts to take it off* ... you'd think the broken crystal tower shield would have alerted me this was going to happen...
Dayn: Cursed?
Travis: No, somebody put crazyglue in it... same effect, different cause.
Dayn: You'd think the tower shield would have warned you that you shouldn't put random crap on before identifying it and at least checking it over...
Travis: Yeah... I am a little stupid.
Dutchess: *sympathetic whine*
Travis: Not helping, Dutchy.
*later, many levels below Dwarftown*
Dayn: *pauses as they walk down a corridor* Hey... you feel that?
Travis: I don't feel anything but cold and rage at myself for being so stupid and putting on the crazy-glued unprotective leather armor of unprotecting crazyglue.
Dayn: No, not that. Just stop for a minute and look around...
Travis: ... hey, you're right... there's something odd here... almost like a kind of rupture in the air...
Dayn: Hm... Travis...
Travis: What?
Dayn: Get ready.
*Door in front of the two is shaking*
*KA-BAM!*
Dayn: CHAOS PLAGUEBEARERS!
Travis: SWEET HOLY CRAP FOR CRAP!!
*Chaos plaguebearers, rotting masses of twisted pus and flesh in an almost-humanoid form, flood out in a tidal wave from the door*
Dayn: RETREAT! DO NOT LET THEM TOUCH YOU! *starts running away from the tide*
Travis: NO FREAKING DUH! *runs after him*
Dutchess: SWEET HOLY BARK! *running alongside them*
Dayn: ... *still running even as he looks incredoulously at Dutchess*
Travis: ... *still running even as he looks incredoulously at Dutchess*
Dutchess: Barkie?
Dayn and Travis: Musta been hearing things... *simoultaneously bash a plaguebearer*
Travis: *stops* Wait, arent Chaos Plaguebearers undea-
Dayn: *grabs Travis by the arm and drags him along at high speed* NO YOU IDIOT, THEY'RE CHAOS CREATURES! THEY'RE NOT UNLIFE OR UNDEAD!
Travis: *being dragged* IN THE NAME OF SSRAXX I COMMAND YOU TO BE GONE!
Ssraxx: *SORRY KID, YOUR TRAVELLING COMPANION THERE IS RIGHT. I CAN'T DO CRAP.*
Travis: WHAT?! I sacrifice half my gold and possessions in your name, become your "chosen one", AND YOU CAN'T HELP ME DEFEAT A TIDE OF UNDEAD?!!
Ssraxx: *YOU NEVER SACRIFICED ANYTHING TO ME YOU UNGRATFUL IDIOT! I HAVE A MIND TO SMITE YOU RIGHT NOW! ALSO, AGAIN, LISTEN TO YOUR FREAKING TRAVELLING COMPANION FIGHTER GUY THERE, THEY ARE NOT UNDEAD!*
Travis: Hah. I can't beleive you. You're just out to make misery of my life. They said Chaos' nature was to backstab, but I never realized even you could sink so low as to not let your disciple dispel some undead!
Dayn: Don't bother, chaos-god guy. I think he's in denial.
Ssraxx: *SHUT UP, PARAGON OF LAW THING.*
Dayn: Whatever.
Travis: I GOT IT! *pulls away from Dayn* Do you know what happens to several Chaos Plaguebears when they're struck by lightning from an angry chaotic god?
Dayn: No...
Travis: Me neither, wanna find out?
Ssraxx: *pouty, cold voice* *HUMPH. I DON'T WANNA HELP YOU NOW.*
Dayn: I didn't know gods could have tantrums...
Travis: You're an idiot anyway...
*bolt of lightning comes down, striking Travis' left ring, and deflecting into the Chaos Plaguebearers, effectively destroying them all*
Ssraxx: *DAMMIT!*
Dayn: Well, Travis. I hope you realize the error of your ways. Chaos always leads to corruption. You will never find an ally as long as you're chaotic.
Travis: I know, because I'll end up murdering them all...
Dayn: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of them slitting your throat, whether actually or metaphorically, while you sleep... wait... murdering them all?
Travis: Including you.
Dayn: I'll ignore that because attacking you while nonhostile would be a chaotic act in and of-
Travis: I GET IT ALREADY!
Dutchess: *pouty whine*
Travis: No, not you, girl, you're not an idiot.
Dutchess: Barkie ^.^
Dayn: Well, anyway. Let's see where they came from...
*Dayn and Travis proceed back to the room the plaguebearers burst out of*
*Chaos servants fly out from the door*
Dayn: WHAT IS THIS, A TENSION ROOM?!
Travis: JUST SHUT UP AND HELP ME!
*Dayn, Travis and Dutchess all wade into the crowd of plaguebearers, slowly dispatching them all*
Dayn: *slashes the last one into pieces* Whoa. There had to be at least twenty of them... why were they here?
Khelavaster: *c... cough*
Dayn: ... what the...? *looks over and sees Khelavaster*
Khelavaster: ... help...
Dayn: Khelavaster!
Travis: What? That beaten old dude there is the great sage?! Hm, I didn't think he was the type to get beaten up by lower Chaos mutants... but we must help him!
Dayn: I thought you were chaotic and wouldn't help a fly if it begged you in the most pleading voice imaginable?
Travis: Well, yeah, but he's bound to have a spellbook or two for us if we save him... he is a sage... In fact, he's the greatest sage ever!
Dayn: I don't think that's all of it, though. *slyly* I think YOU are less evil than you think.
Travis: SHUT UP!! *hits Dayn over head with swordield*
Dayn: X_X Yes'm
Khelavaster: *rattly breath and cough*
Dayn: I learned first aid in my fighter courses, and Jharod taught me Healing... but I'm no healer despite having some skill...
Travis: Don't worry, I know some good old home remedies.
Khelavaster: Please... you must listen to me... if you have an... item... of... life essence... please gi-
Travis: Shut up, sageman. We'll take care of ya.
*later*
Travis: Have you got the leeches?
Dayn: I still don't see how this is going to work...
Travis: Shut up and give me them.
*Dayn hands Travis the leeches, and he sticks them on Khelavaster's face*
Khelavaster: Ow... ow... ow... ow... ow... ow...
*two hours later*
Khelavaster: *bleeding even more severely* Ow... ow... ow... ow...
Travis: Okay, the leeches aren't working. Onto the next remedy!
Dayn: Er, Travis, don't you think we'd be better off trying to get a healer before he expires? We might not have a whole lot of time left...
Travis: Shut up, fighterman. Let the guy who knows how to heal do this work.
Dayn: Only question is, do you?
Travis: YES!
Dayn: <_<
*later*
Khelavaster: Mph mphmph!
Dayn: Was wrapping him from head to toe in bandages REALLY neccessary? Or actually going to help his wounds?
Travis: No, I was just bored... as well as grasping at straws...
Dayn: ...
*later*
Dayn: Okay, ready on the crank!
Travis: Deploy dying sage!
Khelavaster: WAIT, DAMMIT- *is hanging suspended over water, Dayn turns the crank and Khelavaster is dunked, then brought out, then dunked, then brought out, then dunked, then brought out... and so on*
Dayn: How exactly was this gonna work again?
Travis: Water's the healing element, don't you know?
Dayn: Sounds stupid to me...
Travis: Because you're a moron.
Dayn: No, because it has to be infused with MAGIC to become elemental. Otherwise it's just plain water.
Travis: I DID infuse it with magic. I casted fire bolt and lightning bolt at it alternatingly before we dunked him in.
Dayn: ... somehow I think that that's not gonna work...
Travis: What do you suggest then?
*more later*
Travis: ... oh yeah, like this was any better than my idea.
Dayn: If there's one thing I know, you need to drink lots of fluids when you're sick.
Travis: THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO MORTAL WOUNDS, ONLY VIRAL INFECTIONS!
Dayn: *force-feeding Khelavaster a giant jug of water* I told you I was no healer, yet you asked me to give it a shot...
Travis: ... y'know, that's actually more than a little stupid of me.
*yet more later*
Dayn: DON'T YOU DIE ON ME DAMMIT! *is performing CPR on Khelavaster* LIVE, DAMN YOU!
Khelavaster: *cough* OW! OW! AAAAAAAAARGH!
Travis: I'm pretty sure that only works when they've STOPPED breathing...
Dayn: Oh.
Khelavaster: ... whyyyyyy....
*even more later*
Khelavaster: *has his wounds sliced open and is bleeding heavily onto the floor*
Dayn: How is this supposed to work again?
Travis: It's called bloodletting...
Dayn: err... somehow I think that making him further anemic and hypobaric isn't gonna help much.
Travis: Yeah... did I mention I didn't goto medical school?
Khelavaster: Why do they not listen to me...? Istaria, please, kill me...
Dayn: Do we even HAVE medical schools in Ancardia?
Travis: Dunno. I never went there, so I wouldn't know.
Dayn: ...
*by golly, it's later!*
Khelavaster: *in a barrel* O_O YOU TWO ARE NUTS!
Dayn: Quite possibly...
Travis: But we're getting a little sick of trying to save you, and we need entertainment so... *kicks the barrel*
Dayn: Oh. I thought this was supposed to help somehow.
Travis: Nope... *watches Khelavaster go plummeting down the hill* but it sure is fun to watch...
Khelavaster: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Dayn: Wait, since when is a hill in a dungeon?
Travis: Dunno...
*crash*
*you guessed it, later...*
Khelvaster: *running around screaming* IT BURNS! IT BURNS!
Travis: See! I told you pouring salt in his wounds would help. He's got the strength to get up and run!
Dayn: Yeah, it's surprising what pain can do to people.
Khelavaster: *collapses suddenly*
Dayn: er...
*layyyyyyyyytaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar*
Dayn: Why are you casting Cure Disease on him?
Travis: Just in case it's a disease...
Dayn: No, I think it's thousands of wounds from a mob of chaos plaguebearers and servants... I hardly think it's a disease...
Travis: Okay then, cure light wounds it is!
Dayn: Er... I think it's a bit beyond that...
Travis: Nonsense. *casts the spell and implodes*
Dayn: O_o
Khelavaster: I hate you both...
*even yet later*
*WHAP* *WHAP* *WHAP* *WHAP*
Travis: Why are you hitting him with a strange item and a large ration alternatingly?
Dayn: I'm trying to put him out of his misery... or restart his heart... either way works...
Travis: How noble of you. Especially considering that his heart has not yet stopped.
Dayn: Oh...
Khelavaster: I will haunt the two of you until you *cough* die...
*retal... err later*
Khelavaster: Words cannot describe how much I hate the both of you. *is hanging upside down by his ankles*
Travis: Well, he seems a bit more lucid... I think all the blood rushing to his head is doing some good!
Dayn: Yeah, and making his feet even more gangrenous.
Travis: Meh...
*ealtr... DAMMIT, LATER...*
Khelavaster: *is hustled out of an icebox, shivering and blue, then stuck in a furnace* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!
Dayn: So you're trying to somehow cause expansion and compression due to temperature differences to somehow heal his wounds?
Travis: I'm runnin' out of ideas here... gimmie a break...
Dayn: Should we have used the furnace?
Khelavaster: WHY?!! EVERY SECOND OF MY EXISTANCE IS LIKE A THOUSAND EXCRUTIATING DEAAAAAAAAAAAATHS!!
Travis: Well, where else would you get heat around here?!
How will our heroes, after making several rather pointless attempts to save the sage's life, save Khelavaster? Find out next time, in Chapter XV: Amulet of WHERE THE HELL IS IT?!
© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir