Chapter 13: Only YOU Can Start Animated Forest Fires!

Thrundarr: HOW DID YOU FIND A PURPLE DOG!? THEY DON'T EXIST!

Travis: They do now...

Dayn: HA! So you admit it! You made it up!

Thrundarr: Yes... but... I... oh, fine, you caught me, yes. I made it up so you wouldn't bother me, my afternoon tea was coming up!

Dayn: Afternoon... tea? Since when can you tell time down here?!

Thrundarr: Oh, that's easy. We just look at the sun...

Dayn: ...

Travis: I do believe he is senile...

Purple Dog: *woofs in agreement*

Dayn: Anyway, what's our next quest?

Thrundarr: Find out what's on the other side of the animated forest.

Travis: Sounds like fun...

Dayn: FUN!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!? HAVE YOU SEEN THAT PLACE?!! IT'S FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH SENTIENT TREES WHO ARE JUST WAITING TO FLAY YOUR SKIN OFF WITH SHARP WOOD-SPEARS!!

Travis: I was being sarcastic...

Dayn: Oh...

Travis: There has to be an alternate way... I mean, these are catacombs, there's never only one way through.

Thrundarr: Aye. Ye may try to go through some of our old halls... they once belonged to us. Now they are... infested.

Travis: The... Dwarven Halls? *gulp*

Dayn: Huh?

Travis: I talked with Waldenbrooks, he told me about it. It used to be part of Dwarftown... now it's been overrun by dozens of monsters. Not just ordinary monsters, mind you... powerful undead lords, dark elven warriors, powerful creatures of chaos, and worst of all, giant, sentient pepperoni pizzas that will attack you and turn you into a pizza of your own, doomed to be eaten by one of the many rats along the dungeon floor. They've never seen anyone go through it alive.

Dayn: ... what is it with you and pizza?!

Travis: I likes it ;_;

Dayn: Well, anyway... it looks like either way we're going to have a rough time. Maybe we should split up, try each way? Depending on our luck it looks like either could be just as dangerous...

Travis: I call the Dwarven Halls... I hate trees...

Dayn: But... you'd have an easier time, you know fire magic. Plus, you hate everything...

Travis: First, trying to set trees on fire in a cavern full of sentient trees is BOUND to make them angry. THAT is not something you want. Second, yes, yes I do.

Purple Dog: Woof?

Travis: Ok... I don't hate you.

Purple Dog: ^.^

Dayn: Well, I suppose you're right about the fire thing...

Travis: Yes I am. Not only that, this is better suited to our own strengths. If anything, you have a better chance there because you're going to have to engage hostile trees hand-to-hand. I'll have a better chance in the Dwarven Halls because magic can get me out of a sticky situation with strong monsters easier than melee combat.

Purple Dog: Woof!

Travis: And you, purple dog. Don't worry.

Dayn: That reminds me, what are we gonna name her?

Travis: Yik'mech'shegoth?

Dayn: Where did that come from?

Travis: The label on this scroll...

Dayn: We are not naming the dog after a scroll...

Travis: Okay, how about "Elprup"?

Dayn: At least TRY to be creative. By the way, is that dye even permanent?

Travis: Dunno.

Dayn: All the better reason to stay away from purple-related names.

Thrundarr: *AHEM* I hereby name this purple creature, "Dutchess". And could you please leave my hut now?! I'm trying to prepare my mornin' tea!

Travis: Hey, I like it.

Dayn: Yeah, me too.

Thrundarr: JUST GO!!

*outside the hut*

Penguin: *putts by in the other direction* Butt butt butt butt butt butt butt

Dylan the archer: GET THAT BLACK-AND-WHITE THING BEFORE IT MAKES IT TO THE STAIRS!! MILLIONS ARE IN THE MAKIIIIIIIING! *runs after penguin*

Lee the fool: PELICANS, PINECONES, HAND IN HAND THEY GO! *runs after Dylan*

Knux the barbarian: Urgh?! *runs after Lee*

Sliat the Monk: My sandals are gonna be worn down to the freaking insoles... stupid nobles, always losing the freaking exotic pets... *runs after Knux*

Dayn: There they go again...

Travis: I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that.

Dutchess: Barkie?

Travis: Yes, you're a good girl! ^.^

Dayn: Gotta wonder who they all are. Looks like some kind of ice-creature got loose... and it keeps saying "butt"... I just had a really absurd-realization moment. Excuse me while I collapse from laughter.

*Dayn does so*

*later*

Travis: *slowly decends down the dwarven hall staircase* See anything, Dutchess?

Dutchess: Whuf?

Travis: I can't see either... there's almost no light, even for a dog. Hm. *reaches end of staircase, is now in a small room* Let me just... *Travis lights a torch, which explodes*

*Torch's explosion illuminates approximately 28641764871631 separate ghost lords, all surrounding Travis, backed by about 10 lich lords*

Travis: OW OW OW OW... something tells me I should have gone in the freaking animated forest after all...

Dutchess: ... bark.

Travis: Whoa whoa whoa, would you talk to your mother like that?

Dutchess: *guilty whine*

*back with Dayn*

Dayn: Ahahaha... butt. Penguin! AHAHAHAHA! Hey... ahahah... HAHAHAHA... "butt"... BUTT BUTT BUTT!! HAHAHHAHA- er... ahem. Hey, this must be the staircase leading to the animated forest... well, here I go.

*Dayn descends into a huuuuuuge room full of living trees, milling about*

Dayn: This'll be a piece of cake. As long as I don't hit one of the trees, everything should be just fine. Hmm, It's kinda dark in here *lights torch* Much better.

Tree: Blurg?

Dayn: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! GIANT GURGLING TREE! GIANT GURGLING TREEEEEEEEE!! *throws torch in a panic*

Tree: O_O *FWHOOSH*

*You know very well what happens next, unless you're an absolute moron. Back to Travis!*

Travis: *is a skeleton* Crap... wait, how am I still alive?

Dutchess: *Goes to take leg bone*

Travis: HEY! Don't even think it...

Dutchess: Grr..

Travis: Ssraxx... please... help me...

Ssraxx: *WHY SHOULD I HELP YOU, PUNY MORTAL!?*

Travis: Because... I cause pain and suffering... and... would gladly backstab all that get in my way...

Ssraxx: *GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! BESIDES, IT'S FUN WATCHING YOU SUFFER!*

Travis: *Is healed and restored by a black light surrounding him* Thanks... I think...

Ssraxx: *ALSO TAKE THIS!*

*an unholy symbol and potion of unholy water appear on the ground in a puff of black smoke*

Ssraxx: *INVOKE MY NAME AND DRIVE AWAY THE UNDEAD CREATURES! YOU ARE MY CHOSEN DISCIPLE! CONTINUE YOUR WORK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE GREATER GIFTS!*

Travis: But... aren't these zombies and ghosts already unholy, thus meaning that none of this will work?

Ssraxx: *IT WILL WORK BECAUSE I SAY IT DOES, PUNY MORTAL!*

Travis: *is hit by lightning* X_X

Ssraxx: er... sorry. *heals Travis again*

Travis: Thanks... hey... did you just speak in a non-booming voice?

Ssraxx: Yes...

*Travis is swarmed in Ghost Lords again*

Travis: Crap...

Dutchess: *whine*

Travis: You did WHAT on the ground O_o

*back to Dayn*

Dayn: HOLY- *dodges a swipe from a burning tree* AAAHH! Okay, fine, you wanna play that way?! LET'S GET PYROMANIAAAAAAAAAAAAAC! *lights another torch and sets more trees on fire*

Trees: O_O BLAAAAAAAG!

Dayn: HAHAHAHA! I AM FIRE, THE DEVOURER! NOTHING IS SAFE!! NOTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!! AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!

Smokey: Only you can prevent for- *is smashed by a burning tree*

Dayn: Well... that was odd.

*Fire spreads among trees, air starts to get hot*

Dayn: Er... come to think of it... maybe this wasn't the greatest idea... given that I'm SURROUNDED by trees which will soon be on fire... well damn. Now I'm gonna be cooked to death. Oh well. May as well indulge in some last pyromania. BURN BEHBEH BURN!!

*back to Travis*

Travis: THE POWER OF SSRAXX COMPELLS YOU!

*the undead creatures are huddled in a corner*

Travis: FEAR THE UNHOLY POWER OF SSRAXX!

Zombie: But aren't we unholy as we- AAAAAAAAAAGH! *crumbles and bursts into flames*

Ghost lord: EEP! *explodes*

*on a higher plane*

Ssraxx (human chaotic god): This kid is nuts... I like him...

Onn (human Lawful god): You like any mortal who's mentally unstable, has homicidal thoughts day and night, and is evil to the core. I hardly see how this one is any different.

Ssraxx: Yeah, but he's cunning. He's good when he needs to, but it's all a ruse... he's chaotic behind all that facade... except he really does like that dog... luckily, the dog is chaotic too.

Onn: Wait, since when were animals aligned with anything? I thought they were all Istaria's domain... that's why Druids are neutral...

Ssraxx: This dog is chaotic... trust me...

Onn: Whatever...

Istaria (human neutral god): Are you gonna play or what?! *Ssraxx, Onn, and Istaria are all sitting at a poker table*

Ssraxx: Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on, neutrality-woman.

Onn: I'm gonna whoop your ass...

Ssraxx: What, with a lawbook?! Bring it on, lawful-man! Er, god!

Istaria: Royal flush!

Onn: AWWW, MAN!

*back with Dayn*

Random guy: It's gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes!

Dayn: O_o

Random guy: *bursts into flames*

Dayn: ... I don't know whether to laugh or curl into a ball and be scared. Or burn to death. Actually, I don't think any of those are mutually exclusive... hold on... what's that? Is it? IT IS! THANK ONN! THE STAIRCASE OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE!

Onn: *YOU'RE WELCOME, MORTAL! YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW EASY IT IS TO MOVE A STAIRCASE!*

Dayn: Yeah, omnipotence does that to ya.

Onn: *INDEED.*

Dayn: *runs out as the trees all burn to death*

*On the next floor*

Travis: What took you so long?

Dayn: Oh, had a run in with some hostile trees. Accidentally set one on fire with a torch. You can imagine the rest.

Travis: O_o *goes up the stairs, comes back down* Holy hell... *is covered in soot* That was awesome!

Dayn: Yeah... luckily Onn moved the staircase to a more accessible location before I burned to death. Wait... how did you get out of the Dwarven Halls so quickly?

Travis: Had a little help from Ssraxx. You'd be surprised what an unholy symbol does to undead.

Dayn: Again, I will ignore the chaotic tendencies and fraterinization with an evil god because attacking you while nonhostile would be a chaotic act in and of itself, making me a hyprocrite as well as making Onn hella pissed off at me.

Travis: Shut up and let me demonstrate.

Ghost Lord: MUAHAHA!

Travis: *holds up unholy symbol* Be gone.

*Ghost Lord explodes*

Dayn: Awww, man! How come Onn never gave me one of those?!

Onn: Well, I was GOING to give you a holy symbol, but you let the chaotic wizard talk you into almost being burned to death...

Travis: I hate to admit it, but he's right. I knew you'd set one of them on fire... idiot.

Dayn: *sigh* Why must we be viewed as mindless bashers... Onn, could you at the very least zap him a little?

Onn: *OKIE DOKIE!*

Travis: *ZAAAAAAAAAP* Meh...

Onn: *WHY IS HE UNHARMED!? BLASTED CURSED RINGS OF DOOM...*

Dayn: Cursed, doomed rings of-

Onn, Travis, and Dutchess: SHUT UP!!

Travis: Wait... Dutchess?

Dutchess: Bowr?

Istaria: *DAMMIT, ONN, ARE YOU GONNA PLAY OR WHAT?!*

Onn: Sorry, coming, coming.

Dayn and Travis: O_o

Dayn: Wait, since when were Law and Neutrality on speaking terms?

Onn: When you're older than the universe itself and completely immortal, it's hard to find gaming buddies. We even invite Ssraxx to play sometimes, if we think he's not gonna blow up the deck.

Ssraxx: *HEY! I ONLY DID THAT TWICE! AND I WAS DRUNK BOTH TIMES!*

Istaria: *HEH, MORE LIKE FIFTEEN, AND BESIDES, YOU CAN UNINTOXICATE YOURSELF AT WILL.*

Ssraxx: *DAMMIT... I... ER... I MEAN... AAAAAAAARGH!!*

*massive, thundering explosion*

Onn: *GODDAMMIT, SSRAXX!*


After completing Thrundarr's quest and interacting with their various gods, our heroes set out deeper before returning to Thrundarr! What will happen?! Who will they find?! Will Ssraxx ever stop blowing up the heavenly poker table?!

Ssraxx: Nope.

Istaria: You had damn well better.

Ssraxx: <_< make me

*NEUTRAL EXPLOSION... THING*

Ssraxx: ... yes'm.

Istaria: Heh.

Well anyway. Find out in Episode XIV: Who needs medical school?

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir