Chapter 16: Infinity Sucks.

Travis: Damn... Dayn?! DAYN?! Argh, it's no use... idiot must have gotten lost and since every level changes we're probably separated in different parts of infinity.

Dutchess: Bark...

Travis: Wait... you're barking normally. I thought your bark was changed cause you were being corrupted...?

Dutchess: Bark?

Travis: Ah well, nevermind. *shatters a stone golem with iron-sword wrists... er, blade-steel hands*

Dutchess: I will kill you.

Travis: O_o huh?

Dutchess: bark?

Travis: ... musta been hearing things. Oh! The staircase. Perfect, I was getting tired of this part of infinity anyway. ONWARDS!

Dutchess: Do that again and I'll fillet you in your sleep.

Travis: ... I didn't hear that.

Dutchess: Barkeh?

Travis: Infinity must be driving me nuts... Yes, you're a good dog ^.^ *Dutchess and Travis decend*

*meanwhile*

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAUGH!! *swipeswipeswipe* GET BACK YOU HORDE OF VARIOUS THINGS!!

Monsters: *various screams, war cries, sounds, and gurgles*

Dayn: Okay, I hoped I wouldn't have to use this, but... SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION!!

*Dayn combusts*

Dayn: Oh, right... I have to TARGET it at THEM... ow.

Monsters: rawr.

Dayn: *shriek!*

*back with Travis and his evil, backstabbing, hateful good, faithful, loving dog*

Travis: Hm... this part of infinity seems different in a very special way... almost like it's separated from the rest of it. Like an actual island of reality in the depths of the infinite. I have to wonder... if I leave this, will I ever find it again? Can it ever be found more than once?

Dutchess: Bark...

Travis: Right right, exploring and all that, amulet of saving throws... life... whatever it was.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Travis: huh? Oh right... it's that corruption-o-meter I ordered from the catalogue-o-neverinstock, which surprisingly, in a rare moment, was in stock. Go figure. Anyway... *checks it* SWEET HOLY CRAP AND SON OF A BROADSWORD ON A SPEARSTICK WITH A SET OF WIZARD'S ROBES!! 29051 Andors!

Dutchess: Bark?

Travis: Unit of measure for corruption...

Dutchess: Bark.

Travis: I know, I know, horrible name. Anyway... this is odd. Why is there so much corruption here? You'd turn into a writhing mass of primal chaos if you just got near it for more than five hours... onwards, my faithful dog! We shall find the source of this corruption as it obviously must be a source of great power!

Dutchess: Bowr...

Travis: Don't worry, I'll bolt 'em into submission if they're plaguebearers and you can tear off their legs and club them to death.

Dutchess: Barkie ^.^

???: *echoing, distant voice* Ah... but who is this... another adventurer, lost in the depths of infinity...? Hmhmhmhm. I have slaughtered many like this... so many. Come, puny human, let the jaws of Chaos crush you! Kneel before MalLaKai!

Dutchess: O_O BAAAAAAARK!

Travis: ... holy... *vomits* Erghh... that voice will give anyone the jibbilies. I hope this isn't another Yrrigs situation...

MaLaKai's Voice: I know of the one you call Yrrigs... how the grip of Chaos was easily able to find purchase on his weak and starved mind. Perhaps if you are not utterly destroyed, you will suffer the same fate, and perhaps become one such as I. Wouldn't that be delightful? Hmhmhmhmhm...

Travis: Do you get lonely down here, or what? Cause the way you're blabbing your mouth off kinda implies it.

MaLaKai: Ha. I am long past fleshly concerns. I am the guardian of an ancient artifact whose powers you could only dream to possess... an item that could be a ticket to godhood. Do you think I am some mere Chaos guardian?

Travis: I don't care, tell me more about this godhood.

MaLaKai: What more is there to know in Infinity? Anything can happen in any place at any time... and though this place is an island among the seas...

Travis: Stop with the cryptic comments and get on with it.

MaLaKai: As you wish. The artifact is one of Chaos. In the realm of Chaos lies the source of the trouble in Ancardia... the reason your puny lands warp and morph and will be ultimately taken over. This is a scepter so powerful that it allows one to survive passage onto that plane... which would tear apart any who are not prepared for it. Do you wish this for yourself? Then you must face me. And I am sure you will find... I am appropriately challenging.

Travis: I never cared much for eulogy-like explanations. SHOW YOURSELF!

*room is filled with a blinding light*

Travis: Gotta love light spell at +20 effectivity.

MaLaKai: AAAAAAAAUGH! MY EYES!! *falls from the ceiling, smashes painfully into the floor*

Travis: So that's where you were hiding, eh? Jeez man, at least Yrrigs knew how to make his voice ECHO without having to climb up on a rafter!

MaLaKai: Okay, okay, so I can't actually project my voice all that well, but I am still the guardian and you must still face me if you wish to claim the Scepter of Chaos.

Travis: Easy. BRING IT ON!

MaLaKai: Hmhmhm. You stupid human. I am nothing by your scale of challenge - I am off your chart. All that you have faced is nothing compared to me. I fear nothing! I AM INVINCIBLE! HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO DEFEAT ONE WHO HAS ACENDED PAST EARTHLY MEANS, WHO HAS NONE OF YOUR WEAKNESSES?!!

Travis: There are ants on your face.

MaLaKai: ...................................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

*meanwhile, back with Dayn*

Dayn: BACK BACK BACK!! *swipe swipe swipe* *is backed into a corner*

Monsters: *assorted sounds, most involving death-related threats and screams of battle*

MaLaKai: -AAAAAAAAAUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Dayn: *ears explode*

Monsters: *shreiks of pain, all explode violently in various sprays of particulate innards and gibs as they clutch their ears*

Dayn: ... yeah. That's loud. I'm also deaf.

*back with Travis, Dutchess (forgot she was there already?) and MaLaKai*

MalaKai: GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF *runs around screaming and slapping at his face*

Travis: Heh, this is gonna be too easy. *rolls up sleeves*

*back with Dayn*

Dayn: *drinks half his entire stock of potions of inner ear repair, which is by now quite large* Ah, there we go. I can hear... moderately well now, though my ears are still bleeding. At least I'm better off than... whatever THIS used to be. *kicks the goosh of a goblin* Hey, what's this...? *bends down*

*muuuuuuuuuuch infinty-crawling later*

Dayn: Whew! We made it out!!

Travis: SWEET, SWEET NON-INFINITY!!

Dutchess: BARK!!

Dayn: Hey... what's that golden thing there?

Travis: NOTHING! *shoves scepter into his coat*

Dayn: I'm sure it was something...

Travis: I SAID IT WAS NOTHING!!

Dayn: Just a moment please. *drinks potion of ear repair... then another... then another... then another.... x300* Ah, there we go.

Travis: Do you know what that scream was?

Dayn: Nope.

Travis: It was the scream of a chaos knight dying like a squealing little piggie as I slowly ripped his guts open like a laundry bag, a pair of scissors, and a bowl of cheerios ^.^

Dayn: I like cheerioes! ^.^

Travis: Ehehehe! Yesssss... yessssssss! ^.^

Dayn: ... um... okay, enough joking, yer starting to scare me. What really was it?

Travis: Ummm... I dunno...

Dayn: Eh well. But anyway... I have a surprise! I FOUND...

Travis: What?

Dayn: aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA...

Travis: *whaps Dayn with large ration* GET TO IT ALREADY!

Dayn: Ow... sorry. I found an Amulet of Life Saving! *holds up shining silver amulet*

Travis: ALRIGHT!! *high fives Dayn* NOW WE CAN SAVE KHELAVASTER AND GET ENOUGH SEVENTH-LEVEL SPELLS TO LEVEL A LARGE KINGDOM!!

Dayn: WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!! Wait, what?


After finding an Amulet of Life Saving and a mysterious Chaos artifact, as well as slaying a chaos knight, our heroes set out to save Khelavaster and unravel the mysteries of chaos! Tune in next time, for Episode XVII: Oh look, an army of undead!

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir