Chapter 27: Village People.

Travis: With all that uneeded insanity aside... let's explore this village.

Dayn: That would be our best move. I'd hate to go into a situation unprepa... oooh! Boilerplate sign!

Travis: DON'T- ... shineeeeeeyyyy @.@

Sign: Welcome to the High Mountain Village, the highest place you will ever be. Proudly since the highly suspicious founders settled in a remote mountain range, "This place is high. And mountainy. And villagey." Proud home of village stuff, an ongoing feud that may very well tear the mountain range and it's villages apart in bloody warfare, and a mysterious *cough*scamming*cough* Oracle that is ready to deliver "dark secrets" for those who go on irrelevant quests to get irrelevant, highly valuable items for her!

Travis: *tears gaze away and slaps Dayn with large ration*

Dayn: Thanks... *eats ration*

Travis: OW! WATCH THE FINGERS!

Dayn: Yummy. Wait, where did Dutchess go?

*elsewhere*

Dutchess: *has dug at least fifty feet down, through multiple dungeon levels and is now throwing up chunks of stone through the hole*

*elsewhereiness*

Dayn: Ah well, probably fine.

Travis: Yeah, even though she's relatively nice now, that bitch can still be a bit-

Censorship guy: NUEUEUEUEUEUEUUEUEUEUEUEUEUE! *hits Batman and the two of them explode*

Dayn: Who was that guy in black?

*DUNNA NUNNA NUNNA NUNNA NUNNA BATMAAAAAAAAAN!*

Travis: I dunno, and nor do I know what that strange chorus was, but dammit, let's get out of here before the insanity starts up again!

Dayn: I concur!

*DA-NANANANANANANANAAAA*

Travis: There, I heard another strange sound?

Dayn: Just ignore it...

Oracle: I am the Oracle. I am the mother of the matrix.

Travis: O_o huh?

Oracle: Umm, I mean... a little water and peroxide can remove blood from whites.

Travis: Well that was utterly pointless. Imma go this way.

Dayn: WAIT, TRAVIS! SHE MIGHT HAVE IMPORTANT INF- gah, nevermind, he's gone. Now what were you saying?

Oracle: Try our vacuum! It SUCKS!

Dayn: ... intriguing.

*back to Travis*

Travis: Hmm, for some reason, I feel like saying "Iceberg"

Hawkslayer: O_o Hello old friend!

Travis: Ummm, hi?

Hawkslayer: o.0 I haven't talked to you in ages.

Travis: ... I do beleive we have a case of mistaken identity here.

Hawkslayer: 0_O But... the slaying! The hawks! Tobias!

Travis: Who the hell is Tobias?

Hawkslayer: 0_o Don't you remember him?! WE WENT ON A QUEST FOR TONS OF MONEY, TONS AND TONS OF GP! HOW COULD YOU EVER FORGET, MAN?!

Travis: Oh! Oh yeah, right? How could I ever forget that, old buddy? Here, why don't you tell me where we got some of these riches, if we perhaps ever left any of them behind somewhere, to jog my memory? o_0

Hawkslayer: o.O okay...

*Back with Dayn*

Dayn: I did not know that a stone giant lord could bury himself in the ground like that. Anyway, this shop must have SOMETHING I can buy/use...

Generic Shopkeeper: Welcome to Generic Shopkeeping Corps' Magics Emporium! Browse our fine wares!

Dayn: You're even worse than no-name brand potatoes.

Generic Shopkeeper: Look, I'm being paid what passes for minimum wage in a corporate monopoly. I'm not in the best disposition towards customers. Buy somethin' or get out!

Dayn: I can't even tell your gender, so I don't know if I should castrate you or simply cut off you from the waist.

Generic Shopkeeper: Just browse!

Dayn: Okay, okay. Hm, spellbooks, enchanted charms, obviously fake "enchanted blades", oooh! Various weapons! EVEN A MITHRIL WEAPON!

*mithril sword turns into a mimic, but not before attempting to stab Dayn*

Dayn: ACH! HELP! THIS SWORD IS ATTEMPTING TO GHOSTILY STAB ME!

Mimic: I'M A MIMIC!

Dayn: You look like a mime.

Mimic: MIMIC!

Dayn: Mime.

Mimic: MIMIC!

Dayn: Mime!

Mimic: MIMIC!

Dayn: Mine!

Mimic: MIMIC!

Dayn: Land mine!

Mimic: MIMI-*explodes violently*

Travis: I couldnt stand it saying "mimic", so I blew it up :D

Dayn: Oh, I thought it was standing on a land mine.

Travis: I dunno, it could hav-

Hawkslayer: o.0 is this your friend?

Travis: Yesssssssss...

Dayn: Who the hell is this guy?

Travis: I met him after being launched here out of a trebuchet. Got in trouble with Hurthvilla, became fast - although with a healthy amount of murder attempts mixed in - friends.

Dayn: I was talking about that guy!

Travis: So was I... *nudges Dayn*

Dayn: Huh?

Travis: Excuse us...

Hawkslayer: O_0 okay

Dayn: So who is this guy?

Travis: I'll tell you later once we lose this possibly-astonishingly-useful weirdo somewhere else. Now follow me, come on.

Dayn: Okay <_<

Travis: Hawkslayer!

Hawkslayer: O_O Yes?

Travis: c'mere.

Hawkslayer: Yes?... O_o

Travis: Go into the corner of the wall around the city, stare at it and count every molecule in the first brick ahead of you. Then do the same with the second and so on until I command you to stop.

Hawkslayer: ... ohkay, boss. O_o *walks off to count every molecule in every brick*

Dayn: Why did you want him to do that? It's just another brick in the wall.

Travis: Quit making references, do ye wanna get suuuuuuuued?! *groundskeeper willy accent*

Dayn: Look who's talking.

Travis: Just shut up. What did you find out from that oracle?

Dayn: I found out that a little salt can add flavor to anything! ^_^

Travis: You're usele-

Hawkslayer: Sorry I came back, but I ran out of molecules to count! o.O

Travis: ...

*more hawkslayer-distractions later*

Dayn: Okay, but seriously, I found out that this is only one of three villages known as the mountain village.

Travis: What are the names of the other villages?

Dayn: The Middle and Low mountain villages.

Travis: I should have seen that coming >_>

Hawkslayer: Hey, I'm back from creating a stable nuclear fusion. 0.0

Travis: >_> but... and <_<... or.... how.... O_o

Hawkslayer: 0.o Oh, it's quite simple...

Travis: Go write a book about it >_>

Hawkslayer: O.0 I did!

Travis: >_>

Hawkslayer: 0.o

Travis: >_>

Hawkslayer: O_0

Travis: >_>

Hawkslayer: o.O

Travis: ... just... go and sleep... then find something to amuse yourself until... I tell you... to come back... *vein throbs in forehead*

Hawkslayer: O_0 But I have nothing left to do.

Travis: THEN FIND SOMETHING ELSE!

Hawkslayer: O_o okay *runs off*

Dayn: Why ARE we putting up with him? I'm lawful and even I'M starting to want to murder him.

Travis: Because he's insanely powerful and knows where tons of gold is hidden. :P

Dayn: Good enough. We ARE gonna use that gold to help save Ancardia and not... say... squander it on personal interests, are we?

Travis: Of course we're not gonna use it to save this hellhole! What are you, crazy?

Dayn: But-

Travis: It's bad enough we even have to save it... If it were up to me, I would let Chaos destroy EVERYTHING here.

Dayn: Okay, we'll discuss this later. Right now, we need to focus on our quest...

Travis: What quest?

Dayn: The quest I... kinda accepted... ahem... from the oracle.

Travis: *sigh* Just tell me what it entails.

Dayn: We have to go to the Middle Mountain Village and... er... ransack it a bit. Not neccessarily killing anybody, just make them think twice.

Travis: How much are they paying us?

Dayn: 50000 GP.

Travis: SWEET HOLY! What started this feud? It must have been the assasination of a political figure or something HUGE to mean they'll pay THAT MUCH MONEY just for us to ransack some village...

Dayn: Actua-

Travis: I know what you're gonna say. Assassination. Contamination of the bloodline. Economic scandal. Conspiracy. Embargo. Tr-

Dayn: ... or a rusty bar in a shipment of copper.

Travis: First of all... copper doesn't rust... secondly, they're fighting over a bar of rusty copper!?

Dayn: And they've lost half of their populations, weapons, and economy just by doing so, plus lost almost all trade as most merchants are too scared to come up here.

Travis: ... over copper.

Dayn: Yes.

Travis: Rusty copper.

Dayn: Yes.

Travis: A single bar of rusty copper in a large shipment.

Dayn: Yes.

Travis: When copper doesn't rust in the first place.

Dayn: ... yes.

Travis: Makes no sense to me, let's just go. HAWKSLAYER!

Hawkslayer: *zooms up* YOU RANG?! O.o

Travis: Follow us, we are on a quest for the Oracle of this village!

Hawkslayer: Excellent! o.O

Travis: And quit doing that, it's creepy.

Hawkslayer: What? O_o

Travis: ... nevermind. Let's... just... go... 0.O

*after some traveling and arriving in the Middle Mountain Village*

Travis: OKAY! ALL CITIZENS, THIS IS A RAID! DO NOT RESIST AND YOU WILL NOT BE PERSONALLY H-

*Travis, Dayn and Hawkslayer are all surrounded by drawn back bows with mithril poison-tipped arrows of humanoid slaying and an assortment of daggers and swords*

Travis: ... armed.

Dayn: ... did I mention the middle mountain village is the strongest village of the three and the one who has been winning the feud/war so far?

Travis: No, and I hate you so much.


What will become of our heroes? How will they get out of this pickle? Why does Hawkslayer always do weird faces? Find out in Chapter XXVIII: The Middle of Nowhere.

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir