Chapter 9: That's Strange... A Strange Item that is!
Dayn: *hitting another monster with the blunt end of his broadsword in a blind panic* WHAT DO WE DO!? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET US OUT OF HERE!!
Travis: *hitting a monster of his own with a quarterstaff* First off STOP YELLING! Secondly, USE THE OTHER END OF THE GODDAMN SWORD!
Dayn: ... oh, sorry. *turns sword around and grasps it gingerly in heavily-lacerated hands*
Travis: Where did you learn to use a sword again?
Dayn: Wherever I did, they didn't teach me how to REMEMBER it in the heat of battle when I'm in a blind panic!
*in the fighter school/university/whatever*
Teacher: I'm a pilot!
*CRASH*
Student: Um... sir? This isn't an airship... how did you crash?
Teacher: This damn flight-sim thing.
*back with our hapless adventurers*
Travis: ... remind me to kill you...
Dayn: YOU WON'T NEED TO IF WE DON'T GET OUT OF HERE SOON!
*Dayn and Travis are surrounded by a writhing blob of monsters, back to back as they fight them off with various implements and try to dodge attacks with ever-shrinking space available. Dayn cuts through a blink dog but more flood through the gap in the swarm.*
Travis: I... will... kill... Rynt... *punches a gelatinous cube*
Dayn: Me too, BUT WE NEED TO FOCUS ON THE BASICS RIGHT NOW! LIKE SURVIVAL! *headbutts a dark sage*
Travis: Survival doesnt work in caves *whap*
Dayn: Wrong definition of survival!
Travis: ... I gotta get away from you... you're making ME stupid...
Dayn: HEY, I'm just caught up in the heat of battle most of the time! *kicks a wolf, stabs it in the face, then hacks it apart*
Travis: No, I'm pretty sure- *dodges falling anvil which lands on a few blink dogs as they lunge at him* -you're an idiot.
Dayn: Dammit, we have to break out of the idiotic fighter trend... it's bad for our intellectual image.
Travis: WHAT IMAGE?! YOU'RE A FIGHTER, YOU GO AROUND BASHING STUFF! THERE IS NO INTELLECTUAL IMAGE!
Dayn: Point, but we're not ALL just bash-
Travis: NOW LOOK WHO'S GETTING DISTRACTED!
Dayn: *cleaves through a zombie* Right, right, sorry.
Travis: ... It's time to end this... do you like fire, ice, acid, or electricity?
Dayn: I DON'T CARE, JUST GET US OUT OF THIS! AND TRY NOT TO KILL ME IN THE PROCESS!
Travis: Fire it is! *casts firebolt, clearing a path*
Dayn: HOLY CRAP, IT DIDN'T BACKFIRE?!!
Travis: NO, NOW COME ON, GIFT HORSE- *monsters flood into the path, surrounding them again* -... mouth.
Dayn: GREAT! JUST GREAT!
Travis: Did I mention I'm dangerous? *punches another karmic lizard, causing it to explode*
Monsters: O_o *many of them run, leaving several paths open, and a few dragons and assorted other monsters*
Dayn: ALRIGHT! IF WE GET OUT OF THIS THE NEXT PIZZA AND/OR LARGE RATION IS ON ME!
Travis: Quickly, to the stairs! And stop yelling!
Dayn: *ahem* Sorry. Geez... that made me parched.
Travis: JUST RUN!
Dayn: OKAY, OKAY!
*Dayn and Travis run madly for the down staircase*
Red Dragon: I put all my money on the doomed one.
Blue Dragon: You're on!
*both make it and decend, Travis caves in the staircase behind them*
Red Dragon: They both made it...
Blue Dragon: Yeah...
Red Dragon: Wait... who pays now?
*Blue and Red dragons look at each other*
Both: ...
Blue Dragon: Oh screw it, let's just battle to the death for that female.
Red Dragon: YOU'RE ON!
*across the room*
Black Dragon: I bet everything on the red one.
Green Dragon: YOU'RE ON!
*back to our "heroes"*
Travis: I LIVED! *looks at hands* And my cursing rings of hell were destroyed!
Dayn: WHAT?!!
Travis: Yeah, too bad it wasn't the cursed rings of doom .
Dayn: *sigh* Once again, I pity you...
Travis: And once again I plan on killing you in your sleep ^.^
Dayn: What was that?
Travis: Nothing.
Dayn: Well, we made it out of the big room alive! Great work!
Travis: Thank Y- do you smell that?
Dayn: Yeah... very strange odor.
Travis: Odd... well anyway, let's explore.
Dayn: I do believe I agree!
Travis: ... You're so British...
Dayn: At least I'm not just a mindless basher.
Travis: Yes, you are.
Dayn: Damn...
*one room-leavage later*
Dayn: Hey, I think I see something over there.
Travis: Careful. It looks like it could be trapped... I think I see a triggering mechanism right there.
Dayn: Hey, yeah, I see it, too... what do you think?
Travis: Probably either an alarm or a weapon trap. Not sure.
Dayn: You know, it's really sad when you've activated so many traps you can tell exactly what kind of trap something is just by looking at the trigger.
Travis: Yesm it is.
Dayn: Well, anyway... I want to examine that thing. Any idea how I can get it off?
Travis: Kick it to the left, away from that stone, that's the trigger.
Dayn: Hm, just kick it, eh... alright.
*Dayn walks up and kicks the item off the trap. He then walks around it and picks it up.*
Travis: What the hell is that thing?
Dayn: I don't know... it's... almost like it's Lawful and Chaotic at the same time... it's almost like staring into a focal point for alignment.
Travis: Since when can you look at something and tell how it's aligned?
Dayn: Even you can, Travis. At least with this... Look at it. It's just so obvious.
Travis: Yeah, you're right... very strange.
Dayn: What is this thing? What's it good for?
Travis: Hold on... I have a theory. *torches it with burning hands*
Dayn: *looks at it*... not even singed?
Travis: Nope. I think this might be an artifact. It looks indestructible...
Dayn: AN ARTIFACT! WOOHOO!
Travis: Don't be so sure. Artifacts can be just as deadly as they can be good.
Dayn: Oh. What should we do with it... the...n...? *Dayn looks down at the item in his hands... or rather, two of them.*
Travis: ...
Dayn: ...
*The two items multiply again, leaving four in Dayn's hands.*
Dayn: THEY'RE MULTIPLYING!! O_O *drops the items as they divide into eight*
Travis: This is gonna be funny.
Dayn: Um... errrr... *is staring at the items as they continue to multiply*
Travis: What are they? Rabbits?
*The items jump into Dayn's backpack*
Travis: Awww, they love you! ^.^
Dayn: HEY! WHAT THE?!! *pulls them out again, as there are now 16 of them*
Travis: Okay, even I have to admit, this is getting worrying.
*The items divide into 24 of themselves*
Dayn: HOLY CRAP!!
Travis: They just love the Dayn SOOOO much!
Dayn: TRAVIS, CUT IT OUT AND HELP ME!! *is fending off the items as they try to jump into his backpack again*
Travis: I may be cursedoome-
Dayn: I know... but you're not stupid...
Travis: Exactly. Thus, I will not get involved in your love affairs.
Dayn: IT'S THEM, NOT ME!! *there are now eighty of them*
Travis: Whatever... How the hell are you gonna pay all that child support?
Dayn: STOP IT! I NEED HELP!
Travis: I've been telling you that since I met you...
*there are now 240 items*
Dayn: AAAAAAAAAGH!! *is whacked in the face by one of the items*
Travis: AHAHAHA! DO IT AGAIN!
Dayn: GODDAMMIT, NO! BAD STRANGE ITEMS! BAAAAAAAAAD! *gets hit again*
Travis: You should pay your child support... hey, what the- *Travis is now in up to his ankles in items. He looks around to find the entire room is flooded with them* Er... Dayn...? This is... getting worrying.
Dayn: YA THINK?!!
Travis: You should put some up for adoption. There's no way you can feed ALL of them.
Dayn: THIS IS NO TIME FOR STUPID JOKES! LOOK AT IT!
*Tide of items is rising*
Dayn: WE'RE GONNA DROWN IN THESE THINGS IF THIS KEEPS UP!
Travis: Hey, you're right. I better get out of here. *casts Teleport* ... *ZAAAAAAT* Dammit, teleport's not working... It must be your children messing it up...
Dayn: YOU TRIED TO LEAVE ME?!!
Travis: Yeah, I'm not in the mood to stick around and be crushed and or drowned.
Dayn: I HATE YOU!! *room is now half-filled with items*
Travis: Well, they ARE your offspring!
Dayn: TRAVIS, STAY WITH ME HERE! IF YOU KEEP MAKING BAD JOKES, WE ARE BOTH GONNA BE KILLED!
Travis: They're not THAT bad...
Dayn: INDIRECTLY!
Travis: OH! So YOU adopted them!
Dayn: *whacks Travis over the head, knocking him unconcious instantly* Serves you right for having no toughness. Okay, now I need to find a way to escape from this quickly-growing-into-a-deathtrap-room.
*Room is now 3/4ths full of strange items. Dayn is floating at the top*
Dayn: Hey, what's this? *picks up scroll* Well, I'm screwed... doors are covered. May as well take a chance. Ahem, SDRAWKAB NA LAMAGA UNGALA FOOD TAXI NOWART TABLE SAUSAGEMACHIIIIIIIIINE!
*scroll glows and dissapears*
Dayn: Heyy.... I feel at peace for some reason.
*strange items suddenly stop multiplying*
Dayn: Hey, what the...? Hm... that scroll said "Targetted scroll of peace" before it dissapeared. I guess that must have stopped the strange items from multiplying!
*one multiples in front of him*
Dayn: Well, slowed it down at least. Maybe now it'll be more managable...
Travis: What happened? I only just came back to conciousness.
Dayn: I found and read a scroll. It apparently slowed down these things' multiplication.
Travis: What type of scroll?
Dayn: I saw it just before it dissapeared. It said "Targetted scroll of peace".
Travis: TARGETTED... SCROLL.. OF.... O_O *siezes up and faints*
*One revival later*
Travis: Oh God, I had a bad dream. I dreamt that you found and had to use a targetted scroll of peace to stop these things from multiplying.
Dayn: I did...
Travis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!! GODDAMMIT, YOU MORON, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THAT THING WAS WORTH?!!
Dayn: about 900 gold?
Travis: NO, MORE ALONG THE LINES OF NINE BILLION!
Dayn: WHAT?!!
Travis: TARGETTED SCROLLS OF PEACE ARE THE THINGS OF LEGENDS! IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO TARGET ONE, AND WHEN IT DOES IT'S JUST AS VALUABLE AS A GIFT FROM THE GODS! YOU JUST THREW AWAY OUR ONLY CHANCE AT-
Dayn: -not dying? I couldn't do anything. Would you rather have drowned in these things?
Travis: YES! IT'S WORTH IT TO BE RICH!
Dayn: But... you'd be dead.
Travis: JEEZ MAN, I'M IN SCREAMY MODE! ALL COMMON SENSE AND LOGIC ARE OVERRIDDEN!
Dayn: Sorry...
Travis: It would have been cheaper if you just payed your child support...
Dayn: ENOUGH!
What will happen to all of the strange items? Will Dayn ever pay his child support? Will Travis ever cope with the loss at potential financial security? Will they find some actual USE for the multiplying items that nearly drowned them? Find out in Chapter X: Where's Snow White?
© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir