Chapter 8: Arena Antics!

Travis: So, we're in an arena?

Arena Master: Yep. This is THE Arena, buddy. Gladiatorial places galore, record attendance, overpriced snacks, ratling traders, football games, you get the idea.

Dayn: Wait wait wait. Why the hell did you guys put your Arena HERE?

Arena Master: How do you mean?

Dayn: We're five levels under the surface of the earth in an ancient, gray dungeon that makes my skin crawl just by looking at or being in it! There are LEGIONS OF MONSTERS up there, how the hell does your audience ever get to the arena in the first place?!

Arena Master: That elevator. *points to magical elevator embedded in wall*

Dayn: ...

Travis: Why the hell didn't we see it then!?

Arena MasteR: You mean you went THROUGH those monsters? Geez, no wonder you look beat up.

Dayn: Travis, arena master guy, all people within two miles. Cover your ears and stock up on potions of ear repair.

*Travis and Arena Master cover their ears*

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*skipping the dog joke, in which several other dogs turn rabid and explode violently*

Arena Master: Did I mention that you get paid ALOT of money for signing up and fightin as a temporary one-round gladiator? And if you become the champion... you get a really neat weapon?

Dayn: Did he say money, gladiator, fighting AND weapon in the same two sentences!?

Travis: I think he did... Dayn, don-

Dayn: SIGN US UP!

Travis: US?!

*one death-liability-resigning (on the Arena's part) and important legal junk stuff signage later*

Travis: I CAN'T BELEIVE YOU DID THAT!!

Dayn: I couldn't resist! He said four of a fighter's favorite things in two sentences!

Travis: Great, you've doomed us to fighting in a gladiatorial arena and quite possibly dying.

Dayn: Quit being so pessimistic! We've taken on tons tougher than this before, we can do this!

Announcer: And now, Travis, the Wizard, and Dayn, the Fighter, will be fighting in a WEAPONLESS ROUND!

*crowd cheers*

Travis: You were saying?

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID STUPID *smashes short sword over head* THAT, SELF, IS FOR NOT TAKING THE UNARMED COMBAT COUUUUUUUUUUUURSE!!

Travis: Not much of a monk, I take it.

Dayn: No ;_;

Announcer: Travis and Dayn will now be facing... TWO RATS!

*crowd goes wild*

Dayn: Ha! We can do this!

Travis: Don't be so sure...

*one long and exhausting battle later*

Dayn: I DON'T BELEIVE THIS! *is bleeding profusely*

Travis: *is covered in minirats, who are biting him* I told you so! We're nothing without our weapons, we can't even beat two rats!

*Ratling trader comes up and takes all the minirats off Travis*

Travis: Hey! That's 5 coins a minirat!

Ratling Trader: Okay! *gives Travis 5000 coins*

Travis: ... um.... I don't... quite... oh screw it. *bashes the ratling trader over the head with a large ration and loots his unconcious body*

Dayn: TRAVIS! LITTLE HELP?!! *fighting unsucessfully against the rats as one rat picks him up and tosses him over it's shoulder* AGGGGGGGGGGHH-*crashes into wall* X_x

Travis: I may be cursed and all that... but I'm not an idiot... besides i've got 20000 COINS now. =D

Dayn: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS AND NOT HELPING ME DEFEAT THESE RATS OF DOOM?!!

Travis: Because, I have Chaotic tendencies which include, but not limited to, enjoying the suffering of oth-

Dayn: GET HERE AND HELP ME BEFORE I DISEMBOWEL YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND HANG YOU UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ARENA TO WATCH THE STARVING GLADIATORS LEAP AT YOUR ENTRAILS FOR FOOD!!

Travis: ...Oh, fine... *smashes rat*

*10 fights later*

Dayn and Travis: *both pull themselves out of the Arena entrance, armor shredded, bleeding profusely, lacerated heavily, and panting like dogs on a hot day*

Arena Master: You two are doing much better than that last duo! *points to skeletons which are excessively mangled*

Travis and Dayn: O_O

Travis: If we die... I'm coming back and beating your corpse with a hammer until my alignment drops to C--

Dayn: Noted.

Arena Master: Oh no, not those. Those were their opponents. THAT'S what happened to the last duo *points to a writhing blob of primal chaos that is attacking a hideously mutated, twisted hellishly bisected corpse over and over as it drools energy from it's pseudopod mouth, leaving puddles of chaos on the floor*

Travis: Yep, that's what I'm gonna do to you... and more... if we die...

Dayn: Noted. Again.

Travis: Do you have a white mage anywhere here?

Dayn: HEALER, DAMMIT! *whap*

Travis: X_x sorry, gotta stop playing Final Fantasy...

Dayn: Anyway, do you?

Arena Master: Yes we do. He can only heal you six times though. Want him to do it now?

Dayn: FREAKING YES!

*healer comes up, touches Travis on the temple, and he explodes violently*

Dayn: O_o

Healer: Whoops... er... why did that happen?

Dayn: Oh, Travis is like that. By the way, I think you're now cursed.

Healer: CRA- *is crushed by stone block*

Dayn: Definitely cursed.

*one long healing session and unexplodiness later*

Arena Master: So, you ready for your next set of fights?

Dayn: Are we ever!

Travis: NO NO NO NO NO NO - *is force-fed a harpy corpse by Dayn, muting him instantly*

Dayn: YES! GIVE US THE SHINY ARTIFACT WEAPON THINGAMABOBS!

Arena Master: Okay, here we go!

*9 fights later*

Dayn: I retract my earlier opinion about the shineys.

Travis: YA THINK?!!

*Dayn and Travis are both twisted into pretzellike positions, on fire with their feet mssing, spouting blood from a thousand different wounds and twitching due to the effects of a slow-wasting disease*

Arena Master: ... Should I call the healer?

*one partial healage to non-dying levels later*

Dayn: Better... though I still feel firey agony through every body part.

Travis: My blood hurts.

Arena Master: Okay. Anyway, time for your 20th, and final, fight!

Dayn: Actually... given the hellish difficulty of the last ones, we're gonna take a break before this one.

Travis: THANK GOD, I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER SAY TIHAT!

*much resting and healings later*

Arena Master: So, you two wanna explore the lower levels?

Dayn: Yea, just for a few hours. Rest, minor exploring, extra healage, et cetera. We'll be back soon for our final fight.

Arena Master: No problem. Just be careful, you two are dynamite!

Travis: I'M TNT! I'M DYNAMITE! WATCH ME EXPLODE!

Dayn: Dyna-what?

Arena Master: Nevermind...

*one level-decendance later*

Dayn: Whoa, this place is... big...

Travis: Yeah, no duh.

*room is at least the size of a football stadium... if we have football in this crazy sword n' sorcery setting. Anyway, it's huge, covered with spottages of plantses... or something. And a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot, LOT of angry, glaring monsters.*

Dayn: ...

Travis: Dayn... I'd advise you to prepare for much hack and slashage.

Dayn: Just keep my back covered with ironsword knuckles or whatever it was.

*Karmic Lizard jumps out*

*Travis hits it and the Karmic Lizard gets cursedoomed*

Karmic Lizard: O_o

Dayn: He's already cursed and doomed incarnate. If anything, HE'S a karmic! NOW FEAR MY SUPERIOR RNG SKILLS!

*Dayn pokes the Karmic Lizard and does 999999999 points of damage*

Karmic Lizard: X_x

*monsters run away*

Dayn: ALLRIGHT!

*more monsters appear out of nowhere, along with several wererats and werewolves, along with several dark sages, who all start summoning rapidly, and soon bunnies and wyrms enter the fray and start multiplying*

Travis: Dayn...

Dayn: Yes?

Travis: We're screwed...

Dayn: Is a strategic retreat - or an attempt at one - prudent, you say?

Travis: Yes. Very yes.

*Dayn and Travis run off screaming towards the staircase, and quickly find themselves surrounded by tarantulas*

Dayn: CRAP! I'm not poison resistant... are you?

Travis: KNEW I should have eaten that spider corpse... though with my luck it probably would have killed me outright... on second thought... why didn't I eat it?

Dayn: THIS IS NO TIME TO BE SUICIDAL!

Travis: Sorry.


Okay, so we lied... the exciting conclusion to the arena will be in a few more episodes. In the meantime, wait in suspense as we find out if Travis will ever stop bein a manic depressive b-... er, I mean, how our heroes will get out of this hellish big.... room... thing in Chapter IX: That's Strange... a Strange Item that is!

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir