Chapter 18: Water, Water, Everywhere, and all of it wants to kill you.

Travis: *walking out of the remains of the Caverns of Chaos Graveyard, which is now an assorted pile of rubble, smashed tombstones, and lots, lots, and lots of undead guts* Well, we've got a clue here. We need to find those orb thingies and then we can close the portal and save Ancardia.

Dayn: Did you just say you wanted to save Ancardia?

Travis: Yep...

Dayn: I'm shocked! I thought you were chaotic!

Travis: *in demonic voice* SO I CAN DESTROY IT MYSELF INSTEAD OF SOME JACKASS FORCES OF CHAOS DOING IT FOR ME!

Dayn: Ah, there we go. Wait, if you're chaotic, doesnt that mean chaos is destroying Ancardia either way?

Travis: Same force, different cause. There are many different types of Chaos, and they're all internally backstabbing each other, chief among them the actual, physical manifestation of Chaos and the actual alignment of Chaotic.

Dayn: Heh. Can't wait to see the day you bring your own ruin by the hands of the Chaos you preach by...

...

Dayn: X_X why the hell did I just say that?! Ow...

Travis: O_o

*meanwhile, in some higher plane*

Ssraxx: *DAMMIT, ONN, STOP USING YOUR LAPDOG AS A PUPPET!*

Onn: *Sorry, but how else am I supposed to convert people?! Telepathy?!*

Istaria: *Well, yeah, kinda, cause we are gods. Now are you gonna play your hand or fold or what?*

Ssraxx: *How about we kill Onn and get married? *

Istaria: *I'd sooner kiss a Specter.*

Onn: *How bout we murder Ssraxx?*

Ssraxx: *BRING IT ON, LAWBOY!*

Istaria: *Hey, no roughhousing at the table!*

Onn and Ssraxx: *Yes Ms. Neutrality.*

*back to our heroes*

Dayn: *still preaching via Onn-remote-control as the two walk on*

Travis: zzzzzz *is walking while sleeping*

Dutchess: THAT'S IT!

Travis: *wakes up* huh!? O_o

Dutchess: *tackles Dayn* If you start preaching again, I will chew your arm off and beat you to death with it! *explodes in a cloud of black smoke*

*meanwhile, in the heavenly plane mentioned above*

Onn: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!!

Ssraxx: DON'T BLAME ME, THAT BLASTED DOG WAS ABOUT TO GIVE UP HER SECRET! I HAD TO TELEPORT HER! GEEZ, YOU NEVER THROW A VALUABLE BACKSTABBING METHOD AWAY LIKE THAT!

Istaria: Boys, PLEASE! Let's just get on with the poker game, dammit!

Onn: *sigh* fine. I'll do the mindwipe on them, given that I'm actually responsible for this in the first place, just play, chaosguy.

Ssraxx: Quit calling me that.

*back with our heroes*

*random gibberish that eventually resolves itself into Dayn and Travis, as well as Dutchess*

Travis: Hm... odd.

Dayn: I feel like my memories have definitely not been erased.

Dutchess: >_> (Ssraxx, if you PLEASE let me kill just ONE of them... it doesn't even have to be permanent...)

Travis: (That was trippy. What was that supposed to be? A memory wipe? I might wanna watch out for Dutchess now...)

Dayn: (I like cheerios ^.^)

Travis: Anyway. Let's get on with this. What orb do you think we need to recover first?

Dayn: No need to speculate. Let's just move on, we're bound to encounter one of them eventually... as Khelavaster said, all but one of them are in this cavern.

Dutchess: (Yes, thank you, Onn, your memory wipe worked perfectly. Their deaths have become slightly less imminent. Slightly.)

Travis: (I wonder what the dog is planning on doing...)

Dayn: (I am not a mindless bashe- CHEERIOS ^.^)

*later*

Dayn: Hmmm... this level seems to be unusually moist. You thinking what I'm thinking?

Travis: Yeah... that boilerplate sign company has WAY too much free time... *points to sign*

Sign: Welcome to the Elemental Temple of Water, the wateriest place you'll ever visit! Proudly since the invasion of Chaos, "This level feels unusually moist." Population: A lot of various creatures having to do with the element of water, all eager to kill and/or drown you or rust your equipment until you end up fighting us them hand to hand. Home of the Chaos Orb of Elemental Water, and the Snake from Beyond, a powerful water guardian who will be the first to draw blood in this damned place. This way lies doom, noble traveller... yeah. Doom. Or something.

Travis: These signs keep getting weirder and weirder....

Dayn: I'd agree...

Dutchess: Barkeh... (Stupid humans)

Dayn: Well, anyway, we've found the first elemental temple. Now what?

Travis: Try to find the entrance, of course.

*three days later*

Dayn: ... you find anything yet?

Travis: *poking at corner* nope...

*a further three days later*

Dayn: ... *is looking quite tired as he pokes around for hidden switches*

Travis: Find anything yet?

Dayn: ... hm? No...

Travis: Damn...

*a FURTHER three days later*

Travis: Okay, it's OBVIOUS that the entrance to- HEY, WAKE UP!

Dayn: Zzzzz... nk! O_o wha?! who... oh. Sorry. Haven't slept in seven days, remember?

Travis: As I was saying, it's obviou-

Girl: Hello! ^.^

Dayn: Huh? Who are you?

Girl: My name is Jerri-*is crushed by random falling stone*

Travis: ... As I was saying... It's obvious the entrance to the temple is through the wall in a seperate section of this level.

Dayn: Through it?

Travis: Yes, we must dig.

Dayn: With what?

Travis: With... err... this wand of randomness!

Dayn: Despite the fact that, quantifiably, the actual probability of the wand resulting in a digging effect on this particular day are almost a thousand to one. That, and I just now stole a wand of digging from that girl...

Travis: She's dead, so it's not stealing... it's looting. And looting a dead body isn't illegal... at least not in a dungeon.

Dayn: So that means... =D

Travis: Yes, you didn't lose any lawfulness...

Dayn: WOOHOO! *proceeds to wildly use new wand of digging on various points in the room*

Travis: *dodges a digblast* STOP IT YOU MORON, YOU'RE GONNA DRAIN ALL THE- *wand turns into dust as Dayn wrenches the final charge from it* -... charges...

Dayn: Oops?

Travis: DAMMIT, YOU IDIOT! NOW HOW ARE WE GONNA GET IN?!!

Dwarf: !og ew krow ot ffo s'ti ,oh ih ,oh iH

Travis: *kills dwarf and takes his pickaxe*

Dayn: I'm gon-

Travis: Gonna pretend I didn't do that. I know...

Dayn: And what was he saying?!

Travis: I don't know... these dwarves scare me... all the better reason to murder them on sight! ^.^

Dayn: *sigh* Just gimmie the pickaxe.

*much digging later*

Travis: Are you through yet?

Dutchess: Barkie?

Dayn: NO, STOP ASKING! *is panting as he weakly swings the pickaxe* Can't you take over for me for a bit?!

Travis: AHAHAHAHAHA! I'm a wizard! We're not known for our physical prowess... I'd probably be crushed to death if I tried to lift that thing.

Dayn: Please?

Travis: Well, since you asked so nicely...

Dayn: =D

Travis: ... no

Dayn: =(

Travis: Oh, very well, very well. *grabs pickaxe and hefts it* Alley... OOP! *attempts to swing at rock, ends up knocking self unconcious*

Dutchess: Barkeh...

Dayn: *sigh* *picks up pickaxe and wearily goes to work again*

*later*

Travis: Huh... wha? *wakes up to find himself surrounded by water grues.*

Dutchess: Bark bark?

Travis: Oh dear...

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! *swipes at a water elemental wildly as grues surround him* HELP!

Dutchess: BARK! *tears a water grue to pieces, shakes self, sending water flying everywhere*

Travis: Hey, nice! *casts frost bolt and freezes two of them* *is hit by water grue from behind* BLARGH! X_X

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! BACK, BACK YOU WATER THING!! *stabs water elemental* BACK!! *blocks waterblast with shield*

Travis: >_> *is surrounded by water grues and elementals* This is gonna be fun ^.^ *casts ice ball, implodes*

Dutchess: Barkie... *is helping Dayn*

Dayn: That's right! Ha! *times his strike with a bite from dutchess, is swarmed in water grues* AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! *shakes self like a dog*

Dutchess: Bark?

Dayn: Yeah, I took inspiration for that from you. WHOA! *blocks strike from water warrior... thing*

*suddenly 6 water demons appear*

Dayn: CRAP! Travis! What's going on with you?! We have to fall back here!

Travis: I just unimploded and things are NOT looking good! *is attacking grues with his staff*

Dayn: Try and clear us a path, we have to create a bottleneck here! Dutchess, cover my back!

Dutchess: Bark! *tears apart another water grue*

Dayn: En garde! *is now swordfighting with two water demons as dutchess distracts the other four*

Travis: Something tells me this was a bad idea... anyway. Frost bolting time! *starts casting frost bolts as he falls back, grues are frozen* Dayn, come on!

Dayn: Hold on! *slashes a grue apart and runs, grabbing up Dutchess. Dayn slides past the entrance to the tunnel they dug*

Dutchess: I will spare you for saving my life.

Dayn: *didn't hear* COME ON TRAVIS!

Travis: Coming! *falls back, blasting grues with frost bolt* *bumps into water elemental as he walks backwards* ... ummm...

Dayn: *sigh* Great. Dutchess!

Dutchess: *leaps forward onto the Water Elemental's neck, biting at it*

Dayn: *slashes it apart*

Travis: Good, come on! *zaps a wand of door creation and casts Knock on the newly-formed door. Door starts to shake as the various water creatures pound on it.*

Dayn: ... okay, needless to say, that didn't work.

Travis: Really... I hope all the orbs won't be this difficult to retrieve, or I'm gonna end up giving this quest the @$!$ up and going back to hurthvilla and slaugtering that damn mayor myself for launching me out of a trebuchet.

Dayn: We need a new plan of attack here. The problem we ran into was that we were caught unaware and got involved in a melee and seperated. The distance was too open and we easily got surrounded... but how can we get around them?

Travis: Hold on, lemmie see if I... *accidentally zaps wand of randomness*

*Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! *collapses twitching and bleeding from ears*

Dutchess: *whine*

Travis: That was random... then again, given the wand, of course it was.

*There is now an approximately twenty meter wide hole in the wall where the smaller tunnel once was. The door and all creatures behind it, who were pounding on it, have been vaporised.*

Travis: I'm a genius!

Dayn: More like blindly lucky.

Travis: Quiet, you. Come on. We can handle them now that their numbers are cut down.


How will our heroes deal with what awaits them inside the remains of the Water Temple? Are there any monsters left? Was Travis really blindly lucky? Who was that girl? All these damned questions and so little time. Find out next time in Episode XIX: Water water everywhere... oh wait, we did that already.

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir