Chapter 20: Arenas, Barbarians, and Quests, oh my!

*After much stair climbings later*

Dayn: FINALLY! We're back in Dwar- why the hell do you have 12 eyes?

Travis: SOME SEMBLANCE OF CIVILIZATION! Oh this? Corruption.

Dayn: But we were both in the same area for the same amount of time. If you got corrupted enough for that, I should be at least showing some skin scarring...

Travis: Well, corruption doesn't always come from places... it can come from things too. >>>>>>_>>>>>>> <<<<<<_<<<<<<

Dayn: I'll ignore those shifty eyes for... you know what, I don't know why. My weirdness detector is off the scale thus I will not get involved. Also, it's hard to argue with 12 shifting eyes....

Travis: Besides, I think I can see through things...

Dayn: Wait, what's that whistling noise?

Travis: Oh, this? Just my corruption-o-meter... damn thing's probably defective. *fiddles with something in his pocket*

Dayn: Ohkayyyy...

Dutchess: bARk... (How can one human be so smart yet so dumb in alternating fashions?!! Also.... MuWaHaHahhAahhAhhAhuhuhHuh.)

Dayn: Let's just go see Thrundarr and see if he has anything else left for us to do.

Travis: Alright.

Thrundarr: COME ON YOU IDIOT! PASS! PASSSSS! *is watching dwarven soccer*

Travis: How does that thing work anyway? I didn't think you would get TV reception down here...

Dayn: What's a TV?

Travis: >_> nevermind

Dayn: Anyway. Hey there Thrundarr! Anything else you have to do for us? We saved an old guy-

Thrundarr: *whaps Dayn with cane* SPEAK UP!

Dayn: Ow! WE SAVED AN OLD GUY AND GOT THE CHAOS ORB OF ELEMENTAL WATER! NOW WE'RE WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE FOR US TO DO!

Thrundarr: Hmmm... *mumbling to himself* maybe they'll get killed in the arena...

Travis: Did he just say what I think he said?

Dayn: Yep...

Thrundarr: Ye could use some practice! Ye should try to become champions of the arena!

Dayn: Wait... try?

Travis: We're dead...

Dayn: Oh please. We're ten times stronger than we were the first time. Together we can do this! We can beat the last fight!

*one climbage later, getting through the big room via Travis' teleportation book, and one arena-enterage later*

Travis: Wait wait wait... enterage?

*just go you morons...*

Dayn: Well, here we are.

Announcer: And now, Dayn and Travis, back from the depths of the Caverns of Chaos, are ready to fight their final fight, against the great Ogre magus... LE HON KAY!

*Crowd cheers*

Dayn: Alright, let's do this!

Travis: *turns to Dayn* If I die... stay away from my funeral...

Dayn: Oh, don't be so pessimistic.

Travis: Did you just use a four syllable word?

Dayn: BRAVERY ISN'T A FOUR-LETTER WORD!

Travis: Nevermind...

Le Hon Kay: Are you puny humans ready to die?

Dayn: I thought Ogres were stupid.

Travis: We're dead, we're dead, we're dead...

Le Hon Kay: Do not worry puny wizard, I will kill your friend first.

Travis: That... is the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me ^_^

Le Hon Kay: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *KERSMASH*

Travis: Thanks ^.^... wait... I WANTED TO KILL HIM!

Dayn: HA! YOU MERELY GOT MY FOOT! MY OTHER LEG SHALL BE ENOUGH TO KILL YOU, YOU DASTARDLY FIEND!

Travis: Well, now you die for not killing him... FIRE BO- *explodes* *is now unconcious*

Dayn: This is gonna suck... oh well. May as well die with some dignity. CHAAAAAAARGE! *hobbles over to Le Hon Kay and starts stabbing him in the foot with his sword*

Le Hon Kay: Is that really the best you can do?

Dayn: Sadly... yes...

Travis: *cocks one eye open* Dayn... he's friends with... the... ants...

Dayn: ......................................................................

Le Hon Kay: ... something tells me I should run. That look be murderous... AHHHHHHHHHH!! *is quickly flayed apart by Dayn into several thousand Ogre-magus-pieces and bits of gore scattered around the arena*

Dayn: *screams in bloodlust* Nobody... NOBODY WHO IS FRIEND OF THE EVIL ANT CONTINUUM MAY LIVE! NEVER! NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Travis: Remind me... never to mention ants to Dayn again... that is, if I'm not feeling in the mood to die.

Dayn: THE NEXT PERSON TO MENTION ANTS SHALL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH! *points sword at Travis's forehead threateningly*

Travis: O_O EEP! NOTHING SAID HERE SIR!

Dayn: Good. We need cheerios ^.^

Travis: Sometimes I'm not sure whether Dayn is smart, stupid, or insane... or a combination of the three...

Dutchess: *has been watching from the sidelines with popcorn* BarK!

Travis: YOU LAZY LITTLE BI-

Censorship guy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *runs into ceiling backwards and crashes to floor before exploding violently, reforming ten times bigger and being sucked into a black hole which has a white hole at it's center and somehow doesn't actually suck Ancardia in, while turning a random molecule in the nearest thing to negative two kelvin, as well as destroying a perpetual motion machine*

Travis: I'm gonna choose to ignore the fact that he broke the law of... pretty much every law of physics in existance, actually. Anyway. DUTCHESS, YOU LAZY LITTLE... female dog... YOU COULD HAVE HELPED!

Dutchess: *whine* T_T (yeah, right... i wanted you two to die >_>)

Travis: awww... good dog ^^

Dutchess: Bark! :) (dammit, this smile is killing me... MUST KILL THEM LATER.)

Arena Master: *runs in* CONGRADULATIONS! YOU BOYS HAVE DONE IT! YOU'VE DEFEATED LE HON KAY AND BECOME THE CHAMPIONS OF THE ARENA! HERE, TAKE THIS GOLDEN GLADIOUS AND GETOUTGETOUTGETOUTFORTHENEXTMATCH!

*SHABAM*

*Travis and Dayn are now back outside*

Dayn: :O *stares at golden gladius* soooo... shiney... and pointy...

Travis: Just pick it up... you're the sword user...

Dayn: You mean it? I GET TO PICK UP THIS HEAVENLY BLADE OF HOLINESS?!! YOU HONOR ME SIR!

Travis: Yes... JUST PICK IT UP ALREADY.

Dayn: YAY! *picks it up* So you really think I'm good enough a sword user to use this wonderful thing? =3

Travis: Yeah. Besides, you did, afterall, kill Lin hay ko or whatever that Troll's name was...

Dayn: He was an ogre named Le Ho-

Travis: Whatever! Let's just go!

Dayn: Where to?

Travis: Well, we could head back down to Thrundarr and see if he has anything else for us to do... but right now I think it's time we got some fresh air and headed back to Terinyo. I don't want to have to risk the big room any more than neccessary until we're better equipped, anyway.

Dayn: Alright. Eeeeeeeeee, golden sword :D

Travis: *sigh* Wonder when he'll realize that things made of gold aren't all that durable... unless it's an artifact? Naw... is it?

*later, Travis and Dayn are walking by the lake*

Dayn: Well, I'm just walkin... alone... with nobody to talk to...

Travis: Uh, Dayn? You do realize I'm here?

Dayn: Nope, nobody here...

Travis: ...

Dayn: Wait, is that...?

Travis: Huh? what are you looking at?

Dayn: IT IS! OH MY GOD, A LACTATING TREE! *zooms over*

Travis: Okaaaaaaaaaay... now I'm freaked... I think he's having an insane spurt today.

Dayn: Yum, treemilk and cheerios ^.^ *gobbling noises*

Travis: O_o He's nuts

Dutchess: O_O i agree

Travis: Now I think I'm losing it...

Dayn: WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY, STUMP?! THERE'S MORE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE?!! I MUST BE OFF! NO TIME TO LET TRAVIS KNOW WHERE I'M GOING! YAAAAAAAAAAAH! *dives into lake with a sploosh*

Travis: Aw man... DAYN?! GET BACK HERE! Oh never mind... he's insane. Probably'll drown trying to look for the underwater lactating tree forest. Come on Dutchess, we'll see if he turns up later, hopefully sane, at Terinyo.

Dutchess: (I would have shoved him anyway if he hadn't dived in... you're next wizardboy >_> <_<)

Travis: (Oh great, the dog is plotting on killing me now >_>... good thing I'm so insightful into others. Or I can read thoughts O_o)

Dutchess: (Oh great, the wizard can read minds... wait... if he can read my mind, that means he knows that I know that he can read minds... okay, stopping that train of thought before my head explodes >_>)

*Dutchess and Travis smile at eachother, Travis is holding a knife behind his back, as is Dutchess*

*5 minutes later*

Travis: *is bleeding* Damned dog... I sure showed her who's boss.

Dutchess: X_x

*a little walking later*

Travis: Hmmm, an old glade... and ANOTHER BOILERPLATE SIGN! I'm not reading this one... It'll probably just confuse me and... dammit I confused myself... I should just stop talking to myself... *is smashed by random falling invisible Ogre magus corpse* OW!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGHH!... Wait... That hasn't happened since... I started hanging out with Dayn... I never thought I would ever say this... I hope Dayn survives, at least for my own survival with FALLING FREAKING CORPSES FROM THE SKY >_< Geez, he's like a bad luck shield... I hate to say it but he's actually handy to have around. Wait, I pretty much paraphrased what I just said... *is smashed by an anvil, then a car, then a pickup, then a ski-boat, then a semi, then a train, then the Titanic, then the moon*

Jackalwere: Everybody... stay away from that wizard...

Jackals: No arguement from us.

*after much healing and a glade entering later*

Travis: Hm. Odd. Single cottage, no signs of any life except... well. That's certainly life. A giant, hulking old barbarian. It's not just life, it's larger than life! Heh, heh... note to self, note that down for use in later commercial... and yes, I decided to read the sign...

*Travis stops, then looks around*

Travis: Dayn would have commented on that v_v *dodges falling planet*

Barbarian: That was quite a dodge there.

Travis: Thanks *is smashed by a falling Dell computer*

Computer: You got mail *explodes*

Travis: ... ow

Barbarian: Not quite as good there, it seems. Bad luck? *helps Travis up*

Travis: You might say that, given that I'm wearing two cursed rings of doom and multiple adjectives...

Barbarian: Remove curse backfired, eh? I've seen that happen before... it can get quite nasty, indeed. Quickly, to my hut. Hopefully it shall give us some shelter from the random stuff falling from the sky.

Travis: *dodges a kitten* Wait... a kitten?

*kitten jumps onto Travis' face and attacks it*

Travis: AHHH!! KITTEN IN FACE! KITTEN IN FAAAAAAAAAAAACE! *staggers around*

Kitten: MEW!! ^.^

Barbarian: I'll get it. *lifts club and smashes the kitten and Travis' face*

Travis: Thanks... I think x_x

*inside the hut*

Travis: *has a broken nose and multiple claw marks on his face* ... ow... again...

Barbarian: Here. Let me fix you up. *heals Travis*

Travis: Thanks... now do you mind telling me your name?

Barbarian: I am a barbarian... I hardly need a name. At least not these days... since none have come in a long time. What be your name?

Travis: Harry >_>

Barbarian: You're a wizard, Harry.

Travis: I am quite aware of that fact.

Barbarian: I am quite aware that you are quite aware of the fact that you're a wizard, Harry.

Travis: Okay, enough of this. I'm Travis. I'm on a quest... or at least I was, until my companions went crazy. One tried to kill me - incidentally she was stabbed multiple times while doing the same to me - and the other... just plain went crazy. Started looking for lactating trees. Now I'm not sure what to do next...

Barbarian: Sounds pretty bad, Harry. Wait, did you talk of the legendary lactating trees?!!

Travis: Oh great... I learn that Dayn might actually NOT BE CRAZY! Just when I think he's... well, the jumping into the lake bit was still pretty insane. Anyway.

Barbarian: Anyway. I can help ye in your quest, but first ye must prove your valor. Ye must find twenty lactating tr-

Travis: *stab*

Barbarian: ... I mean, kill a score of the first monster killed by any member of your party.

Travis: Well, the first thing I killed was a barbarian. And the one in front of me is gonna be the next thing, too.

Barbarian: Oh... er. In that case... just bring me twenty rabbits.

Travis: Alright, fine, SOMETHING EASY!

*twenty hours of fruitless rabbit-chasing later*

Travis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Fast little buggers X_x *is smashed by a Panzer*

Panzer Commander: SIE UN ITCH BLITZKRIEG! MEIN FUHRER! *explodes*

*twenty hours of getting smashed by things falling from the sky later*

Travis: ... ow.

Dayn: I'M BACK! ^_^

Travis: O_O DAYN! YOU'RE ALIVE!

Dayn: Of course I'm alive silly. What, you think I'd dive into the lake without an item that let me breath water?!

Travis: You know... sometimes I don't know whether to overestimate you, estimate you, or underestimate you.

Barbarian: Say, is that treemilk?

Dayn: You bet!

Barbarian: Excellent! Let us all have a feast in the name of cheerios ^.^

Dayn: O_O SOMEBODY THAT SHARES MY LOVE! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! LET US FEAST UPON TWELVE BOWLS OF CHEERIOS ^.^

Barbarian: THERE'S ENOUGH HERE FOR TWENTY!

Dayn: YAYS!

Travis: You know, something tells me I should be shaking with rage or on a destruction frenzy, but... I'm actually glad things are weird again O_o


Will Travis stop stabbing people? What will become of Dutchess?! IS DAYN CRAZY OR NOT?!! WHEN WILL WE STOP ASKING ALL OF THESE CRACKERF@$!^^!^&!!ING QUESTIONS?!! Find out next time in Chapter XXI: Bluprints for a trident!

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir