Chapter 22: Barbecues and Small Cave Mayhem!

Trolls: RUN AWAY! CRAZY WIZARD TRYING TO THROW US AT THE TOWER OF ETERNAL FLAMES THING!

Travis: I'm not a crazy wizard... I'm an INSANE, MURDEROUS WIZARD! MUAHAHAHAAAAA!

*meanwhile*

Dayn: *steps into room dragging a pile of potions with him on a makeshift cart*

Ant: Skree... skree?

Dayn: Ahahahaha... it.... is....... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!

*Dayn begins rotating his arms and throwing potions of blindness and deafness rapid-fire at the ants*

Ants: SKREE! *ants start bumping into each other and skreeing in confusion as they are blinded and deafened one by one*

Dayn: Ah, that should be good. Any of them not deafened and blind will be trapped behind all the other ones that are as they all bump into each other.

*Giant Ant Warriors jump over the blind and deaf ant workers wielding sticks like ninjas*

Dayn: Damn. *once again starts throwing potions rapid-fire*

*Giant ant warriors defend against the potions, smashing them before they can shatter with their sticks*

Dayn: Ohkayy... well. This isn't good.

Giant Ant Warriors: SKA-REEEEEE!

Dayn: <_< This sucks... oh well. Now onto phase 2a of my plan... RUN LIKE HELL! *runs*

*back with Travis, the demented cook*

Travis: Dwarves, Trolls, Ants, and the old Barbarian's brother are NOT fireproof...

Old Barbarian: But my brother DOES taste good.

Travis: That he does... Want more troll or dwarf?

Old Barbarian: Yes, please.

Dwarves: RUN AWAY!

*back with Dayn*

Dayn: Okay, finally. My hide is safe and they are NOW all FINALLY blind and deaf. Now for the original Phase 2... *Slowly and menacingly pulls out a large ration and a strange item* muwahahahahahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *wades forward into crowd of ants* Hey, don't bite that. OW! DON'T STEP ON MY ANKLE! Bloody ants.

*later*

Dayn: Okay, I have reached the center of the blind and deaf swarm of ants. Now... *zaps a wand of darkness*

Ants: SK... SKRE?!!

Dayn: Wait, how can they tell if it's dark if they're blind? Ah well. ONTO THE SLAUGHTERING!

*blugeoning sounds, rending chitin, murderous laughter, and pained skrees intermingled in a cataectophony as horror music plays*

*back with Travis*

Travis: As fun as this was, I better go and check up on Dayn. He probably had another insane fit by now and tried to find another forest of lactating trees. Though I had to admit... the treemilk WAS yummy. Goodbye old barbarian.

Old Barbarian: Goodbye! You're a wizard, Harry.

Travis: Yeah... bye...

*Travis is too boring, back to Dayn*

Dayn: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *more rending chitin*

*On second thought, we'll take the sane one over the insane one any day. Later on!*

Travis: ... Dayn? You here? It's so dark in here...

Dayn: Oh, hi Travis. *walks out of the darkness holding bloody large ration and bloody strange item in bloody armor covered in blood and grinning ear to ear*

Travis: Should I be scared?

Dayn: Only if the idea of murdering ants is scary, which it isn't, but rather more righteous and so, so fulfilling ^.^

Travis: Are you sure you're not chaotic?

Dayn: Only when ants are involved.

Ssraxx: And you call chaotics crazy...

Dayn: Yes, I do...

Onn: Wait, they aren't supposed to hear us...

Travis: well, we do...

Istaria: WOULD YOU TWO STOP PLAYING WITH THE HUMANS AND PLAY THE DAMNED GAME!?

Onn and Ssraxx: Sorry!

Dayn: Anyway. Oh look, I missed a couple. Excuse me. *steps back into the darkness*

Travis: ...

*murderous howls, rending chitin, and pained, horrified skrees*

Travis: >_>

Dayn: *murderous laughter*

Travis: <_< f*** this, I'm outta here...

Dayn: COME HERE, LITTLE ANTIES! I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*later*

Travis: Geez. This cave is creeeeeeeeeeeepy...

*rat jumps out at Travis*

Travis: AHHHHHHHH! *casts fire bolt at rat, it bounces off* ... what the hell?

*Rat jumps out with a squeak and tears Travis' arm off*

Travis: HEY! THAT'S MINE! BRING IT BACK!

*Travis is swarmed violently in kobolds that hack his other limbs off*

Travis: OW! MY ARM! OW! MY LEG! OW! MY OTHER LEG! OW! MY STUMPS! IT''S ON NOW!

Kobold: What are you gonna do, gnaw at our ankles?

Travis: NO, I'M AN ALCHEMIST! *smashes two potions together*

The mixture begins to bubble.

Kobolds: O_O RUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Normally this mixture would be stable, but Travis is so damn unlucky, it's gonna blow up anyway... anyway. 321lolyou'redoomed.

*BAM*

Kobolds: X_X

Travis: .... ow. Well, at least it cauterized my stumps so I won't bleed to death... not like I have that much blood left anyway... eh well, we can attend to the hypoperfusion shock later on. LET US BEGIN MOUTH-SEWING OF MY LIMBS! TO THE SEWMOBILE!

DA-NANANANANANANAAAA

*a long, long, long, LONG time later*

Travis: Ahhh. Finally. Everything but my arm, which was taken off by that damn rat. Now to hunt down the bugger. *stalk... stalk... stalk* Hehehe. Stalking is fun ^.^

*back with Dayn*

Dayn: MURDER! KILL! MAIM! TORTURE! MAIM KILL BURN, MAIM KILL BURN!

Ants: SKREEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dayn: I FeEl ThE WaRp OvErTaKInG mE! It Is A GoOd PAIn!

*f*** this, we're going back to Travis. He may be crazy, but at least he's sane...*

Onn: Wait, how can you be crazy AND sane?

*Shut up lawboy or I'll make you watch what Dayn is doing to that ant in a corner.*

Onn: OH GOD NO!

*Damn straight. Back to Travis!*

Travis: Stalking is more fun ^.^ Wait, what's that?

Fire Giant Overlord King Chieftan Rockthrower Shaman Magus Covered In Rats: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR.

Travis: ... okay, now this is just starting to not make SENSE. And this is coming from somebody who's seen lactating trees...

F.G.O.K.C.R.S.M.C.I.R: YOU SHALL DIE BY THE POWER OF MY SHAMANISTIC FROZEN ROCKS!

Travis: Are you impotent? Cause it would kinda explain your overly long title and means of attack.

FGOKCRSMCIR: INSOLENCE! PREPARE TO FIRE... HEY! Where are my frozen shamanistic rocks?! HERBERT, DID YOU EAT THEM?!!

Travis: I think they have a pill for that now.

FGOKCRSMCIR: SHUT UP! *throws a chunk of wall at Travis who easily dodges it*

Travis: Oh, come on! I'm the unluckiest person on earth... take the damn pill already.

FGOKCRSMCIR: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! *charges at Travis, who sidesteps, sending the FGOKCRSMCIR plummeting to his doom over a conveniently placed mine shaft*

Travis: Haha! You got shafted!

FGOKCRSMCIR: I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU! *slam*

Travis: Horrible puns aside. Note to self: Do not get shafted... er. I mean, do not fall in mine shaft. Now where's that damn rat?

Rat: Squee?

Travis: AHA! THERE YOU ARE YOU LITTLE BUGGER! I SHALL AVENGE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO MY ARM!

*Travis attempts to draw the Rune Covered Trident... only to realize that he needs two hands to weild it. He drops it with a clatter.*

Travis: ... damn. Well, I'll have to settle for carving you apart with THIS GOLDEN MACHETE!

Rat: Squee?

Travis: >_> don't ask where I got it. It's a LONG story. Anyway, you're immune to magic somehow, but not to a golden weapon! NOW PREPARE TO BE MACHETE'D, POSSIBLY IN THE EYE SOCKETS! PAINFULLY!

Rat: Meep!

*Back to Da...*

Dayn: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'M THE ALPHAMALE OF THE ANTIANTS! TO ME, MY BROTHERS!

*... once again a bad idea. We'll just skip to like ten minutes later.*

Travis: Okay, I've killed the damn rat and reattached my arm, but what the heck is up with this damned cave? It's like the enemies in here are normal aside from the occasional Uberboss, except... like... thirty times tougher. Ooh, hey, a blanket.

Gelatinous Cube: Blurg?

Travis: ... YOU ARE NOT STEALING MY DAMN BLANKET! I DON'T CARE HOW HUNGRY YOU ARE!

Gelatinous Cube: Blurg v_v *jiggles away*

Travis: Hm. I wonder if that thing tastes like Jell-o... oh well. I wanna get the heck out of this place. Wait, is that... a staircase leading down? ... ah well, the more distance I gain from Dayn the ant-killing psychopath the better.

*ants run by, followed by an insanely screaming Dayn covered in ant blood and hefting his bloody golden sword*

Travis: Okay... decending NOW.

*later*

Dayn: *emerges, quite bloody, from the Small Cave* Whew. Ant-killing mayhem ^.^ I wonder where Travis is... ah well, he fled in the face of some damn fine ant-murdering. Not my fault. While I wait for his return, what can I do? Hmmmm... hey, is that a pyramid over there?


What will Dayn the insane ant-murderer find in the pyramid? What will Travis find in the unremarkable staircase that leads to an unremarkable place with unremarkable things on the way in the kingdom of unremarkableness? Find out next time in Chapter XXIII: Remarkably Unremarkable.

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir