Chapter 29: Now THAT'S Low!

Travis: Well, that went well in the end. *Dayn, Dutchess, and himself are walking away from the rubble of the Middle Mountain Village*

Dayn: Where did Mr. O.o go?

Travis: I sent him ahead to scout the Low Mountain Village, that's our next target.

Dayn: Ah.

Travis: Ahh, there he is now.

Hawkslayer: o.O *runs up* Sir! Sir!

Travis: What's your report?

Hawkslayer: It'll be too easy O_o

Travis: Good, let's go.

Hawkslayer: All too easy o.O

Travis: ...

Hawkslayer: Almost TOO easy O.0

Travis: <_<

Dayn: O_o ... ummm, yeah. Anyway, he's right, the LMV is the least-well-armed of the three villages behind the HMV and the former MMV.

Travis: Stop using acronyms. It's creepy O_o

Dayn: Sorry.

Dutchess: I think Hawkslayer is creepy.

Hawkslayer: *is sniffing the ground* O_o

Travis: I agree.

*much walking later*

Dayn: Are we ther- @_@ OOOH! Shiny boilerplate sign!

Travis: *blasts boilerplate sign into oblivion* Come, Dayn.

Dayn: Sorry, you know what they do to me.

Travis: They do the same to... me?

*Hawkslayer is gathering the pieces of the former boilerplate sign and is re-attaching them*

Dutchess: This village is the lowest!

Travis: Lemme guess, you were reading the sign...

Dutchess: @_@ Yes.

Sign: This village is the lowest!

Travis: Wow, that was suprisingly short. O_o

*later*

Travis: Damn this place is a dump.

Dayn: Beggars everywhere...

Dutchess: Handmade signs, shops with hardly a thing but cheap crap and not much of it... all the signs of an imploded economy.

Hawkslayer: O.o and to think this all came about due to rusty copper

Travis: DAMMIT, STOP REMINDING ME OF THAT! IT HURTS MY BRAIN! COPPER DOESN'T RUST!

Hawkslayer: Explain this. *hands travis a bar of rusty gold* o.O errr, wrong one. *hands Travis a bar of rusty copper*

Travis: ... it doesn't look rusty.

Hawkslayer: Yeah, the rust is brown and the copper is brown, soooo... O.o

Travis: ... but rust is ORANGE!

Hawkslayer: No it isn't 0_o

Travis: Yes, it is, and this gold isn't rusted, it's TARNISHED. It's simple to clean...

Dayn: Hey, he's right... I'm a fighter, I got some training in mettalurgy, it's definitely just tarnished...

Travis: Are these villagers so idiotic they started a war over a bar of copper that they thought was rusty... that wasn't actually rusty and anybody with half the mind for mettalurgy would have been able to tell so?!

Dayn: Apparently.

Travis: ... the sooner we get out of here, the better.

Dutchess: HEY! This bar IS rusty.

Travis and Dayn: IT IS NOT!

Dutchess: ... ow...

*later*

Dayn: And here you go... and here YOU go... and here you go... *is handing out money to various beggars* dammit, I know I shouldn't be wasting money on this, but they all look so pitiful.

*meanwilly*

Jackals: We're blue da ba dee *they all explode*

Travis: So does that pile of dust that was once them singing jackals... GAH! HEY! *is jostled by a crowd of thieves and beggars* HEY, STOP THAT!

Thieves and beggars: LOLZ GOLD PLZ!11!!shift+1

Travis: Get away from me if you wanna live... my doomed rings of doom and stuff are both - oh screw it, here, take this tarnished gold bar.

*Thieves and beggars all gasp loudly*

Beggar: YOU DARE TO OFFER US RUSTY GOLD?!

Travis: IT'S TARNISHED! T-A-R-N-I-S-H-E-D!

Beggar: It's tranquilized?

Travis: NO! TARNISHED!

Beggar: LIES! IT IS RUSTY!

Thieves: IT IS TRUE!

Crowd: KILL THE HERETIC! KILL THE HERETIC! KILL THE HERETIC! *advance on Travis with a variety of sharp-bladed weapons drawn*

Travis: $#!7.

*whilemean*

Dayn: Hmm... I wonder what that commotion is over there.

Hawkslayer: O.o perhaps we should go and check it out.

Dutchess: Dammit, if Travis has gotten himself into any trouble...

Dayn: Too late for threats, he has, I see him there, trying to jump out of the crowd while casting fireballs...

Travis: GET BACK! STOP CHEWING ON MY ANKLES! AHHHHHHHH!

Beggar: But we hast not eaten in ages!

Travis: EAT THIS! *blows up beggar*

Beggar: *head tumbles away* HAHA! QUIT WHILE I WAS AHEAD! *dies*

Travis: .... ohkay. YAHHH! *dodges a knife*

Dayn: Dammit, we had best get over there. Hawkslayer, Dutchess, go see if there's any equipment that might help us, weapons, beggars willing to fight for money, anything. I'll back up Travis. *heads off*

Hawkslayer: ... O.o but how did this start?

Dutchess: If it involves rusty gold and/or copper, I think I might just turn chaotic again.

*meanwhile, across the low mountain village*

Thief: *is attempting to pick Travis' pockets*

Travis: Nice try, but I don't have pockets...

Thief: Well sh- *is blown up*

Beggar: Give me 20 coins and I'll murder the other beggars...

Travis: *gives him 20 coins*

Beggar: Thank you! AYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAAAAA! *runs into a thief head-first, falls unconcious, gets trampled*

Travis: Well that was a waste.

Dayn: AHHHHHH! TRAVIS! *slashing wildly into the crowd sending blood and body parts flying everywhere*

Travis: *is hit in the eye by a splat of blood* AHHH! OWW, MY EYE!

Dayn: ... sorry...

Beggar: HOLY DAHIJ OF THE SWROD!

Dutchess: *eyes glow red* DIEEEE! *starts tearing beggars to shreds*

Hawkslayer: o.O I do beleive we have found something!

Dayn: THEN USE IT!

Hawkslayer: As you wish! 0_O *sets up a spear on a tripod and makes bang noises*

Dayn: ... this isn't the gunpowder era, machine guns don't exist yet...

Hawkslayer: O.o oh. A beggar suggested it to me.

Dutchess: Hey look, reinforcements!

*The high mountain village milita runs in, consisting entirely of two tattered-robed people with gnarled wooden spears and a donkey*

HMV Militamen: WE ARE HERE TO ASSIST THE NOBLE HEROE-*are stabbed by thieves and stoned to death by beggars* GAK!

Donkey: f*** this! *flies away*

Thieves and beggars: :O

Beggar: ... wait, where did the heretics go?

*elsewhere*

Travis: *pant* Too... *pant* Damn... *pant* Close... *pant*

Dayn: Where's Hawkslayer?

Travis: Over there... trying to figure out why his spear-machinegun doesn't work.

Hawkslayer: o.O maybe the ejection port is bent...

Dayn: Can't we just kill him?

Travis: It's tempting, it really is...

Dayn: But?

Travis: ... he's a good meat shield.

Dayn: You DO realize we'll each recieve one-third of the reward instaed of half?

Travis: We'll kill that hawkslayer when we come to it.

Dayn: ...

*later*

Travis: Are you sure this is gonna work?

Dayn: Positive. What is it? You look apprehensive.

Travis: Well excuuuuuuuuse me. I'm kinda wary of trebuchets ever since I got LAUNCHED HERE BY ONE!

Dayn: Get over it.

*Dayn, Travis, Dutchess, Hawkslayer, and several High Mountain Villagers are all manning four trebuchets*

Dayn: GUNNERY CREWS! EVERYBODY READY?

*assorted affirmatives*

Dayn: OKAY, FIRE IN THREE! TWO! ONE!

*Trebuchets all let loose*

*meanwhile, in the Low Mountain Village limits*

Thief: Do you hear whizzing?

Beggar: What? I can't hear you over the sound of trebuchet ammunition plummeting down upon us.

Theif: Oh. So that's what it is.

*MULTIPLE EXPLOSIONS*

*meanwhile*

Dayn: *fires trebuchet again* HAHA! I KNEW FILLING THE STONES WITH GUNPOWDER WOULD WORK!

Travis: *loads another stone* Look at it burn!

Hawkslayer: *winds trebuchet up* O.o but I thought it wasn't the gunpowder age yet!

Dayn: *fires trebuchet again* Rule one of the drakalor chain, NEVER QUESTION ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

Travis: Rule two: step off that cliff.

Hawkslayer: Okay o.o *does so*

Dayn: You didn't!

Travis: Nah, there's another cliff 5 feet down.

Hawkslayer: HEY! I FOUND A QUARTER! o.O

High Mountain Villager: But qu-*explodes*

Travis: He broke rule one...

*meanwhile, in the Low Mountain Vilage*

Jackals: Domo Arigoto Mr Roboto! *explosions*

Beggar: I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!! *explosions*

Jackals: Secret secret, I've got a secret! *more explosions*

Thief: Isn't it obvious? We're being bombarded with trebuchets. We can't mount an effective defense, it's over. *even more explosions*

Jackals: My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM! *you guessed it, explosions!*

Theif 2: Shall we raise the white flag? *by golly, explosions*

Theif: No, make it black, to show our spunk. *I Can't Beleive It's An Explosion.*

Theif 2: ... okay... *Explosion. Apply directly to the village*

Jackals: Somewhere to hiiiide to keep me alive! *exploding rocks fall on the jackals*

*back with our trebuchet crews*

Travis: CEASE FIRE! CEASE FIRE!

*all the trebuchets stop firing*

Dayn: You think they've been annihilated yet?

Travis: If they haven't, they must be surrendering. And look at that... a black pair of underpants. *watches underpants fly in the wind*

Dayn: I thought it should be white...

Travis: They're showing their spunk... I hate spunk... FIRE!

Dayn: O_o *fires trebuchet again*

*two hours of total bombardment later*

Travis: We're out of rocks, cease fire.

Dayn: Not that it matters, there's not a single thing left in there alive and if there is, it'll be burned to death. *watches the foundations of the foundations of the foundations of the village explode with the last shots*

Travis: Well, let's head back to the last remaining village, pick up our reward for ending the war...

Jackals: *rise out of the ashes* One tin soldier rides away...

Travis: ......FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

*Trebuchets fire the last of their ammo and blow up the jackals violently*

Travis: *pant* *pant*

Dayn: ... O.o

*later*

Oracle: Ahh! You have returned! Not that I was expecting you NOT to... >_> <_<

Travis: Done, lady. Middle mountain village and low mountain village annihilated.

Oracle: You mean you actually did it?!

Travis: Of course we did O.o

Oracle: ... er, of course you did, yes. Anyway. Your... reward. *drops five gold pieces*

Travis: ........................... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! *runs around screaming, accidentally runs into a trebuchet, leg hits firing rope, is launched into the air still screaming*

Dayn: Right. Okay. *watches Travis dissapear over the horizon then turns to Oracle* I think you need some persuading... *takes out golden gladius*

Oracle: O_O

Hawkslayer: O.o look at him fly...

Dutchess: ... whoa...


Where will Travis land?
Will Dayn "persuade" the Oracle to give the full reward?
Has Travis gone crazy?
What will happen to Hawkslayer?
Find out next time, in Chapter XXX: Mad, mad, MAD Minstrel.

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir