Chapter 3: Who Needs Bugspray?

Dayn: I'm gonna die...

Ants: SKREE!!

Dayn: Surrounded by ants, bleeding profusely, and armor has been destroyed. No hope in hell. Well, it's been a good run. I have no regrets, other than not running the hell away from the goddamn tiny girl in the first place. Stupid impossible quest.

*suddenly the ants run away*

Dayn: Huh? Wait... THAT'S RIGHT! FEAR ME! I WI-

*Suddenly a giant white ant appears*

Dayn: *screams like a/the little/tiny girl*

Ant Queen: *DEAFENING SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE*

Dayn: Ow. *drinks potion of inner ear repair* Ah, there we go.

*The Ant Queen advances*

Travis: ALRIGHT! FOR THE LAST TIME! I SHALL SAVE *dodges boulder* THEE!!

Dayn: I'm screwed.

Ant Queen: *advances more* SKREEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Travis: FIRE BOLT!

Dayn: Y'know, it's not really neccessary to yell out the name of an attack before you use it...

*Travis explodes*

Dayn: Y'know, I should be surprised at that, but then again, maybe not.

Travis: I'm ok!

Dayn: I AM surprised at that. Wait, what's this? *picks up scroll on the ground* Hm... it's labeled le-roj... well, I'm screwed either way. May as well read it...

*Dayn mutters the arcane formulas and quantum squigglies on the scroll*

Dayn: !Doz erofeb leenk, le-roj fo nos em ot emoc... why am I rumbling internally?

*Dayn explodes in a rather hot firey ball*

Dayn: *standing at the center of the explosion, surprisingly unhurt* HOLY @$!#...!

*The Ant Queen has been vaporized, leaving a rather melted carapace*

Travis: OH GOD THAT'S HOT!!! *rolling on the ground wildly, on fire* SOMEBODY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IN ISTARIA'S GREAT NAME, PUT ME OU- *gets crushed by a boulder as he rolls in front of a door*

Dayn: Hm... strangely, I can read the scroll now. Now it says "scroll of explodiness".

*words melt off the scroll and fall to the ground in a puddle*

Dayn: ... and the scroll... just peed the carpet.

*scroll bursts into flames*

Dayn: YOW!!

*Dayn tosses the burning scroll and it lands on Travis, still crushed and on fire under the boulder*

Travis: ... whyyyyyyyyyyy...

Dayn: Well, as crazy as that was, and despite the fact that I still hate ants and am on the verge of going into a homicidal rage and commiting genocide against all antdom, I better find that puppy before it starves.

*one level-decendage later*

*Dayn's level is 5 hp 4/68*

Dayn: Whoa, I don't feel good... I had better wait here until I heal.

*Dayn waits*

*Dayn's HP: 5/68*

Dayn: Dammit.

*more waiting*

*Dayn's HP: 6/68*

Dayn: AAAAAAAARGHHH!! They told me to learn long-term Healing, but noooooo...

*Dayn's HP: 7/68 and Dayn is now Hungry*

Dayn: Boredom... overwhelming...

*Dayn's HP: 7.5/68 and Dayn is now Hungry!*

Dayn: Oh come on. That's not even possible. *snacks on a large ration* Yuck, bland rations.

*Ten hours later*

*Dayn's HP: 8/68*

Dayn: Urge to commit genocide rising.

*One hour later, Dayn finds a potion of healing*

Dayn: FINALLY!

*Dayn drinks it*

*Dayn's HP: 9/68*

Dayn: .......... I have the strange urge to find whoever made this potion, take the bottle, smash it, and drive the fragments down their throat.

*Travis walks into the room, unhurt*

Travis: Why, hello, Dayn.

Dayn: Oh God, get away from me before you trigger another trap! *flinches*

Travis: Don't worry, it'll target me. I just have bad luck, I'm used to dealing with it.

*Travis trips on a loose stone, making it squeak, and crashes into Dayn, sending him flying back onto another loose stone, which sends a volley of arrows lancing out from the wall. The arrows stop just before hitting Dayn, turn in mid air, and hit Travis. Travis then skids off Dayn, triggering a corruption trap as he is engulfed in purple radiation.*

Dayn: I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or run the hell away.

Travis: OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!! OH GOD!! *bleeding profusely*

Dayn: Whoa man, you look weird.

*Travis casts Cure Light Wounds on himself*

Travis: That's the only spell that never backfires...

Dayn: *Notices that Travis is now growing horns* What the hell...?

Travis: You think that's screwed up, watch this... *Travis is swarmed by monsters from triggering the alarm trap*

Dayn: Should I be impressed that you're being torn apart by a mob of hostile monsters?

Travis: ARGH!! NOT THAT!! *casts fireball, ends up exploding himself again*

Dayn: Ouch.

*monsters are all vaporized*

Travis: *unexplodes* WHOAEY. *staggers into a dark room and is immediately eaten by a grue*

Grue: *burp*

Dayn: ... I feel so sorry for whoever happens to be around that guy.

Puppy: BARK! *jumps out from around the corner*

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!! *flinches, slashes wildly at cute puppy, turning it instantly into a fine trail of canine gibs that splatter to the floor, spraying him with blood*

Dayn: ...

Dayn: Ummmmmm...

Dayn: <_<

Dayn: >_>

Dayn: <_<

Dayn: >_>

Dayn: *shuffles out*

*Dayn hears an explosion*

Dayn: O_O I'M OUTTA HERE!

*after exiting the dungeon*

Dayn: That was nuts! Now what am I gonna tell the tiny girl? That I killed her dog becuase it was stupid enough to jump out at... me...?

*a racoon walks by*

Dayn: OF COURSE!!

Racoon: O_o

Dayn: COME HERE YOU FUR-COVERED OMNIVORE!! *chases after racoon*

Racoon: O_O (get him the hell away from me!)

*one Racoon-capturage and wilderness-travelzor later*

Dayn: Here's your puppy, now give me the damn lawful boost! *shoves racoon at tiny girl*

Tiny girl: ... *looks at racoon* ... are you sure dat dis is me puppy?

Dayn: Positive?

Tiny girl: ... I dunno, I'm not quite convinced. You said dat da caves can alter stuff, but dis still don't feel like me puppy.

Dayn: YES, GODDAMMIT YES, JUST TAKE THE DAMN THING AND GIVE ME MY DAMN LAWFUL BOOST, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT SOME RANDOM RACOON OR ANYTHING, NO SIR!!

Tiny girl: ... can I take one of those potions of inner-ear repair, sir?

Dayn: Oh, sorry. Here, have this one... I think it might be cursed.

Tiny girl: WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Dayn: Oh right, the deafness thing. Sorry. Bye! *walks away*

Racoon: (Wait, where are you going?! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THIS LITTLE BRAT, I LIKED THOSE RATS YOU KEPT GIVING ME!!)

*Tiny girl drinks the cursed potion of inner-ear repair and starts bleeding from her ears*

Tiny girl: Is it supposed to do that?

Racoon: (HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW, I JUST WANT SOME MORE OF THOSE RATS!! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!)

Racoon 2: *looks up from garbage cans* (Geez, look who's addicted and doesn't want to admit it.)

Racoon: (Oh, shut up.)


After completing his first quest(kinda), our hero sets off to find Yrrigs, the mad carpenter. Tune in for Chapter IV: I Ain't Afraid of no Raiders!

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir