Chapter 4: I Ain't Afraid of no Raiders!

Dayn: Well, now that I've given the little girl her... dog... yes, dog... back, I can go and find Yrrigs before he goes insane, if he hasn't already. Nah, it's only been a few days, not like he's gonna have snapped by then or anything. Nope, no siree. Now, Rynt said to go south-east...

Tywat Pare: Hold on there! You're at level 5, you're gonna-

Dayn: Level? What the hell are you talking about, roundyman?

Tywat Pare: ROUNDYMAN?! WHAT?!

Dayn: Well, you have apparently been going on the donuts a bit too heavily... I mean, look at that gut.

Tywat Pare: *sigh* Ye are right. But the jelly-filled ones are so DELICIOUSLY paralyzing! Anyway, find Kranach, the raider lord and kill him, bye.

Dayn: Wait wait wait wait, WHY do you want me to kill this guy?

Tywat Pare: *sigh* I try to give them the clipped version, but noooo... anyway, Kranach is a raider lord who's been terrorizing the countryside and ruining our commerce. He's raided us several times and killed many on the trails. If ye can defeat him, I shall give ye a reward.

Dayn: But... what about that "level" stuff you mentioned-?

Tywat Pare: Oh crap... er... nothing.

Dayn: No, no, no, roundyman. You're not getting off that easy. What, is this kind of some invisible measure of my "combat experience" in this world or something?

Tywat Pare: I SAID NOTHING!!

Dayn: ... dammit, at this rate I'm gonna be out of potions of inner-ear repair.

*meanwhile, in the wilderness*

Dog 1: MY GOD, I CAN'T TAKE IT!! *head explodes rather gorily*

Dog 2: *splattered with blood* ... ewwwww.

*...*

Dog 2: >_> <_< *eats Dog 1's corpse*

You feel uneasy.

*back in Terinyo*

Dayn: So where can I find this Kranach, and what's the reward?

Tywat Pare: I will give ye 3000 gold pieces if ye can complete this quest.

Dayn: SWEET!! YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL! Only... I'm gonna have to get that village carpenter rescued first. I've wasted enough time already, he might be insane. Then again, maybe he's just lost. Eh, whatever. Still, I'm gonna have to do your quest later, roundyman.

Tywat Pare: Quit calling me that.

Dayn: Okay, roundyman.

Tywat Pare: *slap*

Dayn: X_x oweth

*Dayn's HP: ...why bother?*

Tywat Pare: I'm afraid we cannot do that. Ye need to take out Kranach now or my rating in the Better Sheriffs Bureau will go down even more! I have one of the highest friendly body counts on my watch, and Kranach is definitely NOT HELPING!

Dayn: Yes, but I only just got your quest. I have obligations, I'm sure you can wait.

Tywat Pare: NO, YE WILL GO NOW!!

Dayn: Yessir. By the way, do you know where I can buy potions of inner ear repair? I seem to be out.

Tywat Pare: Thataway.

Dayn: WHAT?!

Tywat Pare: *slaps forehead, points*

Dayn: Oh. *runs off*

Tywat Pare: Such a good boy... hey, a half of a gold piece. Better find more if I want to have any chance at repaying that guy. I wonder if he realizes I blew all my savings at the slot machines and am completely unable to repay him... nah.

*much ear repairing later*

Dayn: Okay, so I should be able to find Kranach in the forest and plains around Terinyo. Now all I need to do is to start searching. I'll start with the forest. Can't be too hard to find him.

*three days of endless searching later*

Dayn: I HATE THIS GODDAMN FOREST!!! Forget it, I'm searching the plains.

*Dayn is ambushed by a group of jackals*

Dayn: I HATE THESE GODDAMN PLAINS!!!

*much backed-into-a-corner and hack-and-slashage later*

Dayn: Okay, I nearly starved three times and that fight went on for two days. Again, I reiterate that I hate these stupid plains... Forget this, I'm gonna go finy Yrrglis or whoever he was. To the south-east of Terinyo!

*Dayn returns to Terinyo, stocks up on large rations, and manages to get by without Tywat Pare noticing that he's back without having killed Kranach*

Dayn: Okay, I'm set to find Yrrigs.

*Dayn sets out south-east of Terinyo*

Dayn: *whistle* Yep, just a-walkin to find a dumb carpenter-*is ambushed by raiders*

Kranach: HA HA! Another traveller comes to die!

Dayn: Okay, first of all, you ambushed ME. I didn't come to you to die.

Kranach: Noted.

Dayn: Second of all, I search for five days and battle for two more trying to find you in the forest and plains, and you end up BEING ON THE WAY TO THE QUEST I HAD TO ABANDON TO GO AFTER YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?!!

Kranach: I'm terribly sorry about that.

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

*in wilderness*

Dog 2: <_< >_> <_< >_> *is wearing earplugs* Mommy, why does my head hurt so?

*back to Kranach and Dayn*

Kranach: So, Tywat Pare sent you, eh? He's sent many adventurers to try and vanquish me, and none have succeeded! Why, you ask? BECAUSE, OF COURSE, I HAVE MY MIGHTY BAND OF RAIDERS WHO I HIDE BEHIND AND SHOOT COWARDLY AT YOU WITH!

Raiders: YAR!

Travis: Hold it right th-! *is eaten by a grue*

Dayn: Okay, that's just sad... it's broad daylight.

Grue: Yep...

Kranach: Indeed.

Raiders: Say, can we get back to killing you?

Dayn: ... um, no?

Raiders: Awwww, man!

Raider 1: Man, we never get to kill stuff recently. They're all puny traders who can't fight back and Kranach takes them out himsel- *SLICE*

Dayn: TASTE COLD STEEL!! *slashslashslash*

Raiders: YAAAAAAAARGH!! HE AMBUSHED US!! THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO!

Kranach: YOU BLOODY FOOLS!!

*Raiders are laying in a bloody, mangled pile, stacked by Dayn*

Dayn: Quite litterally. *pokes raider*

Kranach: Toodle loo! *runs*

Dayn: Not so fast! POTION OF WEBBING!

*potion smashes against the ground, spriging into a bunch of webs that Kranach runs into*

Dayn: I dunno who cooked them up, but I know it can't be the maker of that pathetic health-potion.

*Kranach easily smashes webs*

Dayn: On second thought... *gives chase to fleeing Kranach*

Kranach: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!

*Kranach trips over a root*

Dayn: HA! *trips over a root as well* OH SH-

*KA-CRASHSTAB!!*

*Dayn lands on Kranach, shoving his sword inaverdently straight through the raider lord's gut, killing him instantly*

Dayn: Well, that was lucky... now to get back to that crazy roundyman. Er, sherrif.

*one travelage later*

Tywat Pare: Congradulations. Ye have rid us of a great threat and done us all a great service. Our commerce is safe. Take these gold pieces as a reward. *drops 3 gold pieces*

Dayn: ..........

Tywat Pare: well?

Dayn: ... you're kidding me... right? Er, I think there are a few missing... along the order of about 2997...

Tywat Pare: Of course not! I said 3 GP.

Dayn: No, you said 3000 GP-

Tywat Pare: NO, I SAID 3!!!!!!!!!!!

Dayn: *uncovers ears* Too close...

Tywat Pare: Whoa, I think I deafened myself.

*meanwhile... well, you know where by now*

Dog 2: Interesting. My ears are bleeding and I think I have become rabid and/or insane.

*Dog 2 turns green*

Dog 2: YEP! I'M RABID BABY!! LOOK OUT FEMALES, HERE COMES THE MENTALLY INSANE, DISEASED CANINE!!

*Dog 2 will now be known as Rabid Dog*

Rabid Dog: Hm. Funny how loud noise was somehow able to give me rabies. Oh well. YEARGHIBLE!! *foams at mouth*

*back in Teriyaki... er, Terinyo*

Tywat Pare: We'll put up the head somewhere. Thanks.

Dayn: I suppose, in the continued interest of my own hearing, that I really was mistaken about the amount of the reward.

Tywat Pare: Yes, indeed you were. Now go.

Dayn: Bye, roundyman.

*WHAP*


And thus our hero completes another quest. On a side note, what will become of Travis? Find out in Chapter V: Where in the Dungeon is Yrrigs Sandeigo?

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir