Chapter 33: What do you want on YOUR Dwarven Tombstone?

Hawkslayer: o.O Dayn, please come out.

Dayn: NO! The zombies are scary! ;.;

Travis: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Jerrica: TASTE DEFEAT!

Dutchess: *Bite, chew, kill*

Zombies: *whinge about being impaled on scalpels, teeth, being blown up by doomspells, being Cure Light Wounds'd, and being generally smacked about by Travis and the Rune-covered Trident*

Travis: Which doomspell should I cast next?

Jerrica: One that blows up alot of zombies? *is casting Reduce Pain at zombies madly, causing them more pain*

Travis: Let's see, I got Fire Ball, Improved Fireball, Acid Ba-

Jerrica: WE DONT CARE, JUST USE ONE OF THEM!

Travis: ACK! MY HORNS ARE GETTING IN THE WAY! *gets one of his twelve eyes knocked out* X>>>>>_<<<<<< YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!

Jerrica: You scare me.

Travis: I know x^^^^^_^^^^^^

Dutchess: *bite, chew, MURDER*

Zombie: RAWR!

Dayn: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! *jumps 10 feet into the air*

Hawkslayer: *carves zombie apart with broadsword*

Dayn: Great. Now I feel impotent.

Hawkslayer: o.O you think you have it bad? I STILL HAVEN'T SLAYED A HAWK!

Hawk: RAWR!

Hawkslayer: *slice*

Hawk: X/X

Hawkslayer: ... I did it. I DID IT! FINALLY! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOo! O_O

Dayn: Wait, didn't you say once back at the middle mountain village that just because your name was hawkslayer, you didn't slay hawks?

Hawk: *gets up and flies away*

Hawkslayer: Oh yes, right. Well, the point is moot now. o_0

Dayn: Okay. Okay. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I-

Zombie: boo?

Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAGH!

*KA-CATATONIC STATE*

Dayn: Whoa, trippy.

Shinji: YOU GODDAMN GIMMICK STEALER! CATATONIC STATES ARE MY GIMMICK! Ahem. Sorry. I'm Shinji Ikari, a shameless ripoff from some anime series or whatever. I'm your spirit guide, since I've had so many of these you've probably had less hot dinners... or in this case Large Rations...

Dayn: Hey, I know you! Don't you pilot some... big... purple thing?

Shinji: Yup. Though it's a bastard.

Dayn: How?

Shinji: It always cheats at Solitare with me.

Dayn: ...

*meanwhile, in non-imaginary states of existance*

Zombies: WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!

Jerrica: What the hell?

Travis: NEVERMIND! JUST KEEP CASTING DOOM SPELLS!

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

Jerrica: HEALING SPELLS

Travis: DOOM SPELLS

*repeat ad nauseam*

Hawkslayer: 0.O I do say, this looks bad. The zombies are overwhelming the arguing Jerrica and Travis and Dutchess is slowly being surrounded, Dayn is catatonic so I can't enlist his help to make a selfless rescue... oh dear. Well, it's worth a try. *kicks Dayn*

...

Zombies: *whinge about being impaled and doom spell'd more*

Hawkslayer: o_O that didn't work

*back within Dayn's screwed-up mind*

Dayn: Ow.

Shinji: What was that? Did aloe vera scented tissue paper start beating you up?

Dayn: ... no.

Shinji: DAMMIT.

Dayn: This weirdness aside. You still haven't told me what's going on.

Shinji: You're in a moral dillema, so your brain has essentially been put on hold until you work through it and get rid of your fear. Only then will you be able to rise and fight the zombies without a trace of fear. They need you out there to win, and to win you must master your fear of all things undead. This requires you to beleive in yourself and your cause... and most importantly, your friends.

Dayn: ... but I never do that.

Shinji: Which explains why you're now huddled in a corner catatonically sobbing while you talk with a cowardly teenager in the black and empty expanse of your mind.

Dayn: I walked right into that one, didn't I.

Shinji: Oh hell ya.

Dayn: So now what?

Shinji: Says here we begin teaching you to face your fear of Kleenex. Then anything not-swordy. THEN anything not zombies. Sheesh, you sure have a lot of layered fear.

Dayn: I'm a fighter. I worship things swordy because I am NOT swordy. At all. What the hell do you think I am one for? Fearless individuals become paladins, dammit!

Shinji: Excellent point. Let's turn you into a paladin then.

Dayn: ... but... they're whiny and all Holier Than Thou!

Shinji: Look, I don't get paid to argue with you. Now prepare to face... THE BOX OF KLEENEX!

Dayn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*back in reality*

Zombie: RAWR! o..o

Travis: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAWR!

Zombie: O_O *implodes*

Jerrica: O_O

Travis: Heh.

Dutchess: I'M ON HIM! I'M ON HIM! *whinges past biting madly at a zombie's throat*

Nonnak: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-choke! Gak! Bleh. Gotta stop doing that. Anyway. PREPARE TO DIE, ADVENTURERS! Should you somehow survive this bout... THEN I SHALL SEE YOU IN THE GRAVEYARD BENEATH. Come, bloodaxe.

Bloodaxe: Bloodaxe! I hurt.

Nonnak: That's normal for an eternally tormented re-construct of a dead dwarven war-hero.

Bloodaxe: No, I stepped on a nail.

Nonnak: I'm a necromancer, not a healer. Suck it up, you wuss.

Travis: There go our targets. We have to get through these zombies, but they just keep coming!

Zombies: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS! SMART BRAINS! MIT EDUCATED!

Travis: what the hell is MIT?!

Zombies: We have no idea...

Jerrica: O_o

Travis: Wanna have a party?

Zombies: Sure! *begin dancing*

Travis: >_> Well THAT was easy... *DOOM SPELL*

Zombie: *reflect it via the power of dance*

Travis: *dodges* FRACK!

*back in Dayn's mind*

Shinji: You almost got it! Say it!

Dayn: I AM MY OWN THERSON!

Shinji: I AM MY OWN PERSON!

Dayn: I AM MY OWN WERSON!

Shinji: I AM MY OWN PERSON!

Dayn: I.. AM... MY... OWN... PERSONNILLYDAY!

Shinji: This is going to take a while.

*back to the not-so-screwed-up-world-outside-dayn's-mind*

Travis: In the graveyard of the damned, warrior with sword in hand!

Jerrica: SHUT UP AND HELP ME! *SCALPEL, SCALPEL, SCALPEL*

Zombies: *assorted moans*

Travis: I don't know whether you're hurting them or turning them on.

Jerrica: O_o

Dayn: ... I AM MY OWN PERSON!

*SHAZAM*

Dayn: *is now outfitted in golden armor* HOLY CRAP, IT WORKED! EAT GOLDEN GLADIUS!

Zombie: *falls apart*

Dayn: BOING! *slash, slash, slash, slash, stab, murder, cleave, kick, turn, slash etc*

*much zombie-murdering later*

Dayn: That's all of them.

Travis: ... holy crap. HOW DID YOU LEARN THAT DOOM SPELL?!

Jerrica: ... holy crap. HOW DID YOU LEARN THAT TURN UNDEAD SPELL?!

Hawkslayer: O.o ... holy crap. HOW DID YOU GET THAT GOLDEN ARMOR?!

Dutchess: ... holy crap. HOW DID YOU GET THAT-DOG FOOD ^_^

Dayn: O_o


With Dayn newly transformed into a fighter/paladin and with shiny new armor, how will our heroes defeat Nonnak and put Bloodaxe to rest? It will likely involve many flashies.

Shinji: And thank God, I won't be in it.

Tune in next time to find out, in episode XXXIV: Don't put blood on that axe!

© 2007 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir. Shinji Ikari is property of whoever the hell made Neon Genesis Evangelion. Those cunning bastards.