Chapter 34: Don't put Blood on that Axe!

Dayn: Alright, so with my awesome paladin smite-evil-undead strikes we've cleared out the courtyard. Piece of cake. Now we need to get down there and find a way to releive that berserker.

Travis: I got holy water.

Dayn: Good, that's complete anti-undead. We can use it to free Bloodaxe. Go for his grave and pour it on the dirt - that should work.

Jerrica: Got it. Travis, give me one of the flasks just so there are two of us in case anything goes wrong.

Travis: I only have 1 flask of holy water... the rest are un-holy water :D

Dayn: *ka-paladin*

Travis: Two now. Dannit daym, I hate you.

Dayn: Such language.

Travis: Wait until you're sleeping. >_>

Hawkslayer: o.0

Jerrica: Since Dayn just got a profession upgrade and learned the arts of the paladin... I wonder if we can do the same thing as well.

Travis: Paladins are pansies... Why would you wanna learn their arts?

Jerrica: That's not what the undead are saying.

Travis: I can blow up undead with unholy water and an unholy symbol...

Undead: My God, the paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain...

Dayn: *smite*

Undead: X_X

Jerrica: And he can carve them apart with a few holy strikes. And sides, we can probably learn how to become other classes.

Travis: I can blow them up.

Dayn: I'm going to ignore that. Now, unless you have some self-hating coward hiding in your subconcious who guides you through learning the goodness and selflessness or whatever other traits are inherent to your new profession, I don't know how you can learn something else without a lot of study.

Jerrica: Self-hating coward in your subconcious?

Travis: I told you to stay away from that treemilk...

Dayn: >_> actually, I think he was more metaphorical than anything. I faced my own cowardice, defeated it, and here I am, a paladeen with shiny gold armor.

Hawkslayer: o.o

Travis: Which I will sell after I murder you in your sleep. ^_^

Dayn: *bap with sword*

Travis: Ow?

Jerrica: Well, regardless, perhaps somewhere down our journey we can become more deadly or capable by learning new arts. You never know, we've already learned a good deal just from being here.

Travis: I'm already the deadliest wizard in all of existance, why bother?

Jerrica: Hmmm... how'd you like to be the deadliest SORCERER in existance?

Travis: What's the difference? O_o

Dayn: If I recall correctly, wizards focus on reading things and learning things from books. Sorcerers focus on blowing things up with their minds.

Travis: I thought that was a mindcrafter.

Dayn: No, they focus on literal minds. Sorcerers channel mana with a thought rather than through gestures, and make things blow up by looking at them rather than gesturing madly for a few minutes while looking like an idiot.

Travis: ... >_> remind me to gesture you to the depths of hell. Regardless, I wanna be a sorcerer ;.;

Dayn: I figured.

*one stair-decent later*

Jerrica: I'll go ahead. NINJA-HEALING ABILITIES ACTIVATE!

Dayn: ... ninja-healing abilities?

Travis: FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU ARE NOT A NIN- hey, where did she go?

Jerrica: *ninjas up to Travis, sets his hair ablaze, then dashes off down the tunnel*

Travis: I knew she was gonna do that...

Hawkslayer: Doesn't that hurt? O.O

Travis: A little... you get used to it.

Dayn: *slams the fire out violently with the flat of his sword*

Travis: Ahhh, much better. Also, I think I'm gonna faint. Clear. *thud*

*later*

Travis: 9_6

Dayn: Damn. I knocked him pretty bad. It'll be a while before he recovers.

Jerrica: *ninjas back* Damn. The passages ahead are FILLED with traps, and-

Corpse Fiends: RAWR! o''o

Jerrica: -I have some new friends.

Dayn: Something tells me you're being sarcastic. *hefts gladius*

*much stabbing later*

Corpse Fiends: X_X

Dayn: Evil creatures.

More Corpse Fiends: RWAR! o..o

Dayn: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOT MORE OF THEM! Jerrica! CAVE IN THE DAMN PASSAGE!

Jerrica: On it! *ninja-sabotage*

Travis: [].[] instead of excellents, do a fatality! <<<
Hawkslayer: o.O Travis is not becoming more lucid *fires arrows*

Travis: @_% If you like to gamble, I'll tell you how it's quacked! Like a surgeon! <_!

Dayn: I hope I didn't screw him up too bad...

Travis: ^_0 You've gotta know when to hold em. Know when to fold em! Know when to walk away, and know where the ace of spades is! Snake eyes watching you! PUSHING UP THE ANTE! READ EM AND WEEP!

Jerrica: Could somebody knock him out so I don't have to hear that annoying rambling?

Dayn: LESS TALKING! MORE FIGHTING! *cleave*

Ghuls: GROWR!

Hawkslayer: o.o Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! *slashslashslash*

Jerrica: *more ninja-sabotage*

Travis: You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me! The pleasure is to blame! *slips into a coma*

Jerrica: Thank God.

*much battling later*

Dayn: *CLEAVE, CLEAVE, CLEAVE* DIE! DIE! DIE!

Hawkslayer: MAIM, KILL, COWER! MAIM, KILL, COWER!

Jerrica: Ummm, Travis isn't looking too well. *more ninjaing around*

Dayn: I DON'T CARE! JUST COLLAPSE THAT PASSAGEWAY!

Jerrica: ON IT! ON IT!

*ker-crumble*

Jerrica: HA!

Ghuls, Zombies, Jackal zombies, corpse fiends: X_X

Travis: *Slips into a deeper coma*

Jerrica: Crap, Travis is getting a bump on his head. That isn't good. *Cure light wounds, cure light wounds, cure light wounds*

Travis: *unaffected*

Jerrica: Crap. Dayn, could use some paladin'ing here.

Dayn: On it, but I wonder...

Hawkslayer: o.O what?

Dayn: Nothing, nevermind.

*in Travis' mind*

Travis: Woah, trippy!

Shinji: Oh God, not this again.

Travis: WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN?!

Shinji: Okay, that's it, I'm tearing up my contract. UNDERSTUDY!

*flashy*

Black Mage: You rang? I was having this OH so wonderful dream about flaying the skin off that never-dying fighter.

Shinji: I'm through with this for a day. Cover for me.

Black Mage: You got it. Hey person, I'm your new internal dillema spirit guide/mage.

Travis: ... is this fighter you mentioned a mindless basher who you are tempted to stab more times than one?

Black Mage: You guessed it.

Travis: I think this will be a beautiful friendship. *underbreath* until I kill Dayn, then you...

Black Mage: Nice try. I learned to listen to under-breath statements YEARS ago due to that damned thief.

Travis: DAMMIT!

*later*

Black Mage: Okay, you're evil, I'm evil, you're a destructive wizard, I'm a destructive blue mage. I'm here to teach you how to tap your true potential and become... you guessed it... a sorcerer.

Travis: Why does it matter, I'm already more powerful than you.

Black Mage: Oh, but you have draconic blood in your veins. Your potential is much, much greater than just stuffing your nose into a musty old tome. You can move mountains with a thought. You can be one of the most destructive forces that ever graced Ancardia or whatever screwed-up world you come from. That crazy elder chaos god will probably be no match for you.

Travis: And you're going to teach me? How to do this? And I'll be able to kill Dayn with but a thought?

Black Mage: No. With two thoughts.

Travis: I love you! ^_^

Black Mage: I appreciate it, but I don't swing that way.

Travis: PLATONIC! PLATONIC! O_O

Black Mage: Suuuuuuuure.

*back outside*

Jerrica: He's foaming at the mouth now <_<

Hawkslayer: DONT WORRY ABOUT HIM! Help us beat these guys.

Dayn: HE'LL BE FINE! JUST HELP US AGAINST THE DAMN NEVER-ENDING TIDE OF FRIGGING UNDEAD! *smite, smite, slay, cleave, slice, slice, die*

Hawkslayer: *slice, dice*

Jerrica: *ninja-sneak* *ninja-attack*

Ghul: GAK!

Dayn: Great, now there's 29 of them.

Jerrica: Shut up. *dodge* Eek!

*back in Travis' mind*

Black Mage: Cast aside your sight, cast aside what you see, and instead, reach out with your perceptions...

Travis: But with the blast shield down, I can't see anything!

Black Mage: You don't _need_ to see anything. *lifts fighter out of swamp*

Travis: That's... impossible.

Black Mage: And that is why you fail. Your weapons, you will not need them.

Travis: ...

Fighter: RWAR!

Travis: EEK! *voosh*

Fighter's Face: *becomes Travis' face*

Travis: O_O

Black Mage: If you face Fighter alone, I cannot interfere. Your training isn't complete.

Travis: I'll return, I swear.

Fighter: I am your father!

Travis: No, no! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Fighter: Search your feelings, you will find it to be true! Join me, and together we can rule Theiferia as father and son!

Travis: I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU! And no, seriously, you're not my father...

Fighter: Dammit. I always wanted a son ;.;

Black Mage: Sigh. From sorcerer training straight into a bad Star Wars parody. Now I can see why Shinji was talking about quitting. We just aren't paid enough for this.

*back in the real world*

Nonnak: *unhurried steps* Muwahahahahahaha.

Dayn: GODDAMMIT! TRAVIS! SNAP OUT OF IT! WE COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP HERE!

Zombies: *menacing advance*

*the tunnels suddenly collapse*

Nonnak: Ah, finally. ATTACK, MY SLAVE!

Bloodaxe: GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Dayn: ... *BLEEEEEEEP*...


Will Travis pass the sorcerer training? Will the others ever beat Bloodaxe and Conan... errr Nonnak? Since when did Jerrica have ninja skills? And last, but not least, will we ever stop with the bad parodies? Find out in Chapter XXXV: Nonnak Falls Down Some Stairs

©opyright 2007 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir. Black Mage and Fighter are references from 8-bit theater and copyright Brian Clevenger. Star Wars is copyright Leorge Gucas and referenced under fair use/parody (please don't sue us, George!)