Chapter 5: Where in the Dungeon is Yrrigs Sandiego!?
Dayn: Okay... I've entered the dungeon to the south-east of Terinyo. Now to find Yrrgir... Yrrgis... Yrrigs... what the hell is with the names people give people around here?!
Travis: I don't know
Dayn: You're alive!? O_o
Travis: Of course! Why shouldn't I be?
Dayn: I dunno, maybe because you were crushed five times, set on fire, mobbed by monsters, blew yourself up, and were eaten by a grue TWICE, one of those being in broad daylight, not to mention how many traps you must have set off BEFORE that!
Travis: It's all in the rings...
Dayn: What rings?
*Travis removes his gauntlets*
Travis: These rings! The rings of Powar and Pie!
Dayn: They look more like cursed, doomed dooming rings of doomed doom to me.
Travis: Actually, they're cursed, doomed dooming rings of dooming doomed cursing cursedoomed doom.
Dayn: Why the hell are you wearing those things? Despite the fact that they would fully explain why you're constantly setting off traps...
Travis: Hello?! You don't just remove a cursed, doomed dooming ring of dooming doomed cursing-
Dayn: Right, right, of course. Tried a scroll of uncursing?
Travis: It exploded in my face before I could read it.
Dayn: Holy water?
Travis: Turned unholy the second I moved to pour it... and the gods seem to be targeting me now. Also, it exploded in my face.
Dayn: What about the spell, remove curse?
Travis: How do you think the rings ended up being doomed!?
Dayn: So they started out as just ordinary cursed rings of doom?
Travis: Yeah. Each successive attempt added an adjective until it was ridicoulously redundant.
Dayn: Damn. That's a rough deal.
Travis: You're telling me. But I survive. *dodges a lich king corpse that falls from the sky*
Dayn: O_o
Travis: I may be cursed and doomed and all that, but I'm not slow or stupid. You get used to dodging things that fall from the sky eventually. LOOK OUT, GREATER MOLOCH CORPSE!!
*later*
Terinyo Villager: *distantly* THE GODS, THEY'RE ANGRY! THEY SEND BODIES RAINING FROM THE SKY!! REPENT, REPENT-*slamsplorch*
Dayn: You sure you wanna come with me? It's pretty dangerous down here...
Travis: Yeah, yeah, sure- *dodges arrow* -sure.
Dayn: Watch that arrow trap.
*Dayn looks around*
Dayn: Have you noticed we havent been attacked yet?
Travis: How do you mean?
Dayn: Normally as soon as someone enters a dungeon they're swarmed by monsters... we haven't seen a single one.
Travis: Odd... well, let's go find Yrrigigigiigigigigigs. Er, sorry.
Dayn: What the hell was that?
Travis: Stutter. The cursed, doomed dooming ring of dooming doomed cursing- well, you get the point - also dooms you in all matters of sociality.
Dayn: Just call them "The Two Rings".
Travis: To rule them all?
Dayn: What?
Travis: Nevermind...
Dayn: Okay...
*Three dungeon descents later*
Dayn: Okay, this is creeping me out. We haven't seen a single monster yet and we've decended through three levels.
Travis: Yeah, I know...
*distant, insane laughter*
Dayn: What the...?
Travis: O_o
???: *distant and echoing* The Light of Lights is the last calling power, the last force I know! These monsters, they come, these fragments of chaos, they come as well, determined to rip the Light from me! The cataclysm burns in this strange place, and let my body and my spirit be as nothing but fuel for that fire until nothing remains but the Light alone! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaaaaa...!!
Travis: What the hell was that?
Jharod: *steps out from behind corner* That would be Yrrigs...
Dayn: And who the hell are you?
Jharod: I am Jharod, the healer. Do either of you need to be healed?
Travis: Well, we havent run into any monsters, and unless you can uncurse and undoom rings of dooming doom, no, we don't.
Jharod: ... well, would either of you like to learn the arts of healing?
Travis: Already know em, nope.
Dayn: I don't, and that sounds like it could be damn handy. *mutters something about ants* Gimmie!
Jharod: Ye have chosen the right path, but in order for me to teach ye, you must prove that ye art able to exert mercy.
Dayn: Well, how the hell can we do that?
Jharod: Bring me the broomstick of the wicked witch of the west!
Travis and Dayn: ...
Jharod: Err... sorry... wrong game.
Travis: Wait, wait, I think I know a way we can work this out. Yrrigs is obviously insane.
Jharod: Yes, he is. I have heard him for many days now, yet I cannot help him. Though skilled in the arts of healing, he is corrupted by the darkest forces of Chaos in this strange place, and I am afraid even I cannot face him.
Travis: So basically, we can prove that we can exert mercy by luring Yrrigs to you and having you heal him while we take the hits and keep him busy!
Jharod: Yes, indeed, that would work. I was gonna suggest simply throwing this potion of cure mental corruption at him, but I think that plan would work so much better..
Dayn: ...
Travis: It's the Rings...
Dayn: Yeah.
Jharod: Regardless, I must warn ye. Chaos has altered Yrrigs. He became insane from his long stay in this scarred place, and after that corruption was easily able to find purchase on his mind. And it has undoubtedly sank it's way into his body, as well. He will be strong, hard to hurt, and powerful. Be careful.
Travis: Do you think he's strong enough to break rings with his fists?
Jharod: Anything except cursed rings of doom or any variants thereof.
Travis: @$!#$!#%!-*CENSSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED*
Dayn: O_o the rings?
Travis: Nope, I'm just pissed...
Jharod: He's going to do WHAT to my mother?!
*one dungeon-level-decendage later*
Yrrigs' voice: I have no more shells for my weapons. For the enemy, I have naught but blade and fist. Come forth, hated enemy. Let there be an end.
Travis: Two more dungeon levels to go.
Dayn: How do you know that?
Travis: I'm doomed, not stupid and unable to track. I can tell where his voice is coming from.
Yrrigs' voice: I kNoW YoU ARE there MoRTaLS! It WiLl Be A PlEaSUrE tO ShrEd YoU iN MeLeE!
Dayn: HOLY CRAP...
Travis: Meh, he can't kill me, so I'm not concerned...
Dayn: Why do you think he can't kill you?
Travis: The rings don't let me die... they make pain hurt worse, give me the worst luck of any mortal, and make my pizza deliveries 50 minutes late, EVERY TIME, which is okay because I then get free pizza...
Dayn: So in exchange for being immortal, you get the worst luck?
Travis: Exactly.
Dayn: Sooooo...
Travis: It's not worth it.
Dayn: But...?
Travis: Seriously. You wanna put on these rings and deal with the intestinal catastrophies?
Dayn: O_o
Travis: ... I shouldn't have mentioned that part.
Grue: *snarl*
Travis: Not again...
Dayn: Nah, as long as we stay in the light, we should be oka-
Travis: GODDAMMIT MAN, I'M NOT JUST CURSED AND DOOMED, I'M DOOMED CURSED CURSEDOOMED DOOMING OF CURSE INCARNATE!! A GRUE BARELY NEEDS ME TO STAND IN A MILD SHADOW TO EAT ME!!
Dayn: Oh, sorry, forgot about that incident...
Grue: =D
Travis: It's grinning... no grue grins at me before it eats me... It's on, bitch!
Grue: O_o
Dayn: Travis, wait!
Travis: I'm dead anyway, I may as well take the bugger out with me! *charges into darkness*
You are going to be eaten by a grue.
Travis: Well, that sucks...
Dayn: He didn't even get "likely" O_o
*CHOMP* *SPLARGAGGLE*
Travis: *walks out* Who knew Grues tasted so good?
Dayn: O_o YOU ATE A GRUE?!
*meanwhile, in the Kingdom of Grue*
Grue: *steps into dark area*
You are likely to be eaten by a Travis.
Grue: O_O EEP!! *runs*
*back with our adventurers*
Travis: *ring on left hand glows silver for a sec*
Dayn: Hey, It's uncursed itself!
Travis: No, it's just a cruel joke the rings play on me...
Dayn: ... oh. I pity you so much.
*2 levels later*
Dayn: I still can't believe you ate a grue...
Travis: It grinned at me... no grue should ever grin at me and live to talk about it.
Dayn: Isn't Yrrgrease on this level of this dungeon?
Travis: I think so...
Yrrigs' voice: AHAHAHAHHAAHAHA! MoRE cOmE To DiE! More of the frAgMeNTs Of cHaOS tHaT have their gRIP oN MiNe vErY sOuL!
Dayn: ...
Travis: Dayn? You look weird...
Dayn: I don't know what's going on, Travis, but I'm not at liberty to discuss what I just did in my pants!
Travis: Was it the bean burritoes?
Dayn: Yeah... *tiny voice* I farted.
Travis: Do it again and I will be forced to cast a spell to make the air smell better, and you KNOW how my magic is...
Dayn: Yeah, let's avoid that if at all possible.
Yrrigs: HeLlO MOrTaLs!
Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Travis: *hits Yrrigs with his staff* Never do that again, carpenterman!
Yrrigs: Hahahahaha! HOw PiTIfUl. YE mUsT Do BetTeR iF yE WiSh To DeFEat Me!
Travis: *hits him again*
Dayn: Travis, defensive tactics!
Travis: Hullaba-wha?
Dayn: *sigh* Make with the defending and wield this shield! *tosses Travis shield*
Travis: Okay, so now we need to lure him back to Jharod.
Yrrigs: ThE LiGhT Of LiIghts Demands vengeance! Prepare to suFferR!
*Yrrigs throws a punch at Travis, who holds up his left hand, causing Yrrigs to stop*
Travis: Well, that was easy-*falls into a portable hole*
Dayn: O_o WHAT THE HELL?
Travis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh.......... *thud*
Dayn: Oh, great, now my immortal meatshield is gone.
Travis: *calling out from hole* I'M OKAY!
Yrrigs: I sAY iT BeFoRe, I SaY It AgAiN, It It WiLl Be A PlEaSUrE tO ShrEd YoU iN MeLeE!
Dayn: AHHH! *blocks a punch with his shield*
Yrrigs: i LiKE pIe!
Dayn: What the heck?! *blocks a kick* Crap, gotta fall back...
*Dayn falls back, drawing Yrrigs towards the staircase*
*Travis crawls out of the hole, steps on an alarm trap and is swarmed by monsters*
Travis: AAAARGHH!! Dayn, get him back up to Jharod, I'll take care of these guys!!
Dayn: But...
Travis: GO!
Dayn: Dammit...I was gonna ask if I could have my shield back...
Yrrigs: When Captain America throws his mighty shield, all those who oppose his shield must YIELD!
Dayn: Okay, now he's getting less scary and more weird.
*Yrrigs punches Dayn's shield, denting it*
Dayn: SON OF A... I liked that shield! I named him Bob ;_;
*Yrrigs pulls out a hatchet*
Dayn: O_O AAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!! *runs*
*one mad flight through three dungeon levels later*
Dayn: He'srightbehindmehe'srightbehindmehe'srightbehindme!
Yrrigs: NoW ThE LiGHTof LighTTs must be FulFilLEd!
*Yrrigs throws a manual of bridge building at Dayn*
Dayn: CRAP, HE'S THROWING STUFF! *blocks bridge building manual*
*Yrrigs picks it up again as they run and throws it again*
Travis: Dayn, I made it o- *is hit by book and knocked out*
Dayn: GODDAMN CURSED RINGS OF DOOM AND MULTIPLE ADJECTIVES INVOLVING THE WORD DOOM!! *still running*
Yrrigs: I MuSt AttEnD To My CoNGrEgAtiOn! A ShEpHerD MuSt TenD To HiS FlOCk! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Dayn: This guy is crazy! JHAROOOOOOOOOOOOD!!
Yrrigs: ThE PElIcAns WiSh To TenD To YoUr FiElDs Of PineConEs!
Dayn: JHAROD! GET OUT HERE AND HELP ME!
Jharod: NO! He's scary when all you've got is a scalpel. ;_;
Dayn: No wonder you couldn't take him on...
Jharod: Oh very well, you only live once. AVAST YE! *jumps out and tackles Travis*
Dayn: "Avast Ye?!!" And why the hell did you tackle Travis?
Jharod: He got in the way, duh!
Travis: X_x
Jharod: YAAAAAAAARGH!! *tackles Yrrigs, knocking him to the ground and touching his forehead*
Dayn: Was it really necessary to tackle him?
Jharod: Nope, I just wanted to feel brave for once.
*Yrrigs suddenly appears to be normal once more*
Yrrigs: ThAnK yE, NoBlE... eR, *cough* aHeM. Ah, yes, there we go. Thank ye, noble adventurers and kind healer!
Travis: You're wel-*dodges kobold corpse*-come!*is hit by Minotaur corpse*
Yrrigs: Hm. Odd fellow. Anyway. Take these, my friends!
*Yrrigs drops something, then dissapears*
Dayn: Wait, where'd he go?!
Jharod: He left, didn't you see him?
Dayn: Um... no. He just vanished in a poof of smoke.
Jharod: Yrrigs is weird like that.
Dayn: How would you know?
Jharod: We went to the same university.
Dayn: Ah.
Travis: There are universities in Ancardia?!
Jharod: Oh heavens, yes, the university was in... y'know what, it's just better to admit that I met him a few weeks ago in a bar and we became drinking buddies.
Travis: So you're a drunk and a healer?
Jharod: Only on weekends. Geez, would you want me to get sued for malpractice?
Thus, thus thus thus thus thus! Tune in for Chapter VI: Plotting against Hozenplotz! Same ancient channel, same domains of mystery time!
Dayn: Ah. *picks up hatchet, potion of rust removal, and manual of bridge building covered in Travis' blood from skull fracture*
© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir