Chapter 40: Keethrax's Keeldthrax Kraziness of Kowardice
Hawkslayer: O.O I hurt.
Dayn: HURT?! YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF "HURT"!!! *is basically a mass of walking blood and equipment*
Jerrica: Okay, I think my skills are useless in this kind of situation. Besides, my hands are mangled. I think I'm missing a thumb, but then again, maybe that's it right there...
Travis: I'LL CRUSH YOU! *smashes mini-gremlins with staff as they try to clamber up his robe* THEY WON'T GET OFF ME! AUUUUUGH!
Dayn: You shouldn't have hit that sprinkler trap.
Travis: Yeah... that was stupid of me. At least I got to blow it up in the end, though. :D DIE, DIE, DIE! *whack, whack, CRUNCH* OH GOD, MY SHINS!
Jerrica: Sigh... I won't have so much as one Cure Light Wounds after this...
Travis: LIGHT wounds!?
Jerrica: It's all I have left! I used up my Serious Wound, Moderate Wound, Not-So-Light-But-Not-So-Serious Wound, Critical Wound, and Godly Wound cure spells HOURS ago just keeping you alive!
Travis: Fine, I'll do the healing.
Dayn: Stay away from me...
Travis: Nonsense. *turns himself inside out*
...
*much screaming of pain later*
Travis: Okay, which way do we go now? >_>
Dayn: <_< Ummmm...
Jerrica: *still carrying Hawkslayer over her shoulder* We're lost, aren't we?
Dayn and Travis: Umm, no?
Jerrica: *sigh* I told you guys to as for directions from that friendly elf, but did you listen!?
Dayn and Travis: v_v No...
Jerrica: Men... anyway, I wonder where we are.
Hawkslayer: You're lost and you're going to die? 0.o
Jerrica: What!?
Hawkslayer: *points to boilerplate sign* 0.0
Sign: "You're lost and you're going to die. You pass beneath a beautiful tree."
Travis: *sarcastically* That's reassuring <_<
Dayn: Wait, where's that one kid you were dragging that always said "dude"?
Travis: >_> I don't know?
*elsewhere*
Dell Kid: *tied to tree and being gnawed on by various wild animals* DUDE, I HATE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLL!
Travis: Nope, notta clue. Never.
Dayn: You scare me...
Jerrica: Look, a fork in the road... *picks up fork*
Hawkslayer: There are also two paths 0.o
Dayn: Which way do we go?
Travis: There's only one way to solve this...
Dayn: You're not murdering anybody <_<
Travis: Okay, there are two ways to solve this. *flips a coin* Heads we go left, tails we go right.
Dayn: Ummm, the coins here have identical sides...
Travis: I know, that's why I burnt one side. *picks up coin* Heads... Left we go.
Penguin: ButT bUtT bUTt BuTT!
*Dylan, Sliat, Knux, and Lee all run by chasing the corrupted penguin and throwing potions of cure corruption at it, many of which miss and hit Travis, curing him of all his corruptions. They then take the right path.*
Travis: One more reason for us to go left...
Dayn: ... Travis, you look different. I detect a distinctly non-evil aura coming from you. Are you okay?
Travis: That's because I only have two arms again... less to strangle you with <_<
Dayn: Oh, silly Travis.
Travis: I miss my horns. D:
Jerrica: Grow up. Left we go.
*tromp, tromp, tromp*
Guth'Alak: Go figure. Hey there, fellow adventurers! *is petting a wolf*
Dutchess: Grrrrrrr...
Travis: Down, girl. Hello there. Please tell me you have healing to offer us. *at the same time as Dayn*
Dayn: Down, hellish dog. Hello there. Please tell me you have quests to offer us. *at the same time as Jerrica*
Jerrica: Down, purple thing. Hello there. Please tell me you have scalpels to offer us. *at the same time as Hawkslayer*
Hawkslayer: O.o Down, beast of odd color. Hello there. Please tell me you have pain removal to offer us. *at the same time as everybody else*
Guth'Alak: I have all of these to offer. *heals everybody while passing out scalpels and casting reduce pain... which actually WORKS* Go to the spot to the southeast of Terinyo, and slay Keethrax. He is an evil druid who has corrupted many things... blah blah blah. Slay him and be rewarded.
Dayn: I've been southeast of Terinyo, the cave there had no Dru-*muffled speaking*
Travis: We'll do it.
Jerrica: *strangling Dayn* Shut-up-or-you-will-ruin-chance-to-ninja-monies!
Hawkslayer: O_o Violent people.
*later*
Keethrax: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*cough,cough* Ahem. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *unhurried steps*
Travis: *white* Ohhhhhhhhhhhh sh-
Censorship Consortium: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *LAUNCH NUCLEAR STRIKE*
Some Poor Third World Country: OH NOES!
Censorship Consortium: Oops...
Travis: ...
Keriax...err, keethrax: What the BEEP?! Wait... "BEEP"?
Dayn: MY PALADIN VIRGIN EARS!
Keethrax: Oh come on, you know you heard a beep too...
Travis: ... Damn censorship... only working half the time... to some people... n'others... *mumble grumble*
Dayn: *holding head*
Jerrica: *Weirded out'd*
Dutchess: O.o
Hawkslayer: o.O
Travis: Wait, why were we here?
Keethrax: Not a clue... seeing as this is my cave... which I never leave... *animals begin gathering around*
Travis: *whispering to Dayn* I think he suspects why we're here...
Dayn: You think? CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE! *slices through a fake wall, revealing Keethrax behind a sound effects board*
Keethrax: ... SH-
*NUCLEAR EXPLOSION*
Censorshipman: Okay, we got it right on target this time.
Travis: Woohoo!
SFX board: *blown up*
Keethrax: *singed but unharmed*
Travis: D'oh.
Keethrax: iT wIlL bE a PlEaSurE tO ShReD yOU iN mElEe!
Travis: >_> You know, the last person who said that... chased us through three dungeon levels while throwing books and trying to kill us... <_<
Dayn: Not helping.
Travis: No, I think I'm beginning to notice a pattern. >.> *Hides new corruption-o-meter*
Dutchess: Bark? (Meat?) *Staring at Keethrax*
Travis: You do realize we know you can talk, right?
Dutchess: ... Oh, right, crap.
Keethrax: HOLY CRAP, A TALKING DO-BLARG!!
Travis: A talking dough-blarg? What the hell?
Keethrax: X.x
Hawkslayer: *CHOP, CHOP, CHOP* DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! 0.O *laughing insanely like a madman*
Keethrax: *parry, parry, ow, parry, slice, parry* AUGH!
Travis: O_o *edges away from Hawkslayer*
Jerrica: WOO! KIAI-KIDO! *flying karate kick which does all the damage of a toddler kicking a bouncy ball* ... Crap.
Keethrax: *casts Darkness, then throws a torc at Dayn*
Dayn: *the torc bounces off his helmet* ... Was that supposed to hurt? *holds up everburning torch*
Keethrax: ... Dammit, they said in the contract that I would only face LOW LEVEL ADVENTURERS... SHEESH...
Travis: Dayn, use that Phial!
Dayn: Why? I have a perfectly good everburning torch right h-
Everburning torch: *goes out*
Travis: ... No, you don't, the gremlins swapped it.
Dayn: !#!@#%t$@#!%@^#y&$%#!@$%^$@&%^ *etc* Why didn't you tell me?
Travis: I'm a chaotic bastard. :D
Keethrax: Muahahahaaaa! *shoots missiles at Hawkslayer*
Hawkslayer: O_O *ducks, covers, returns fire with adamantium arrows... at a wall*
Dayn: DAMN IT, I CAN'T SEE!
Travis: USE THE PHIAL! USE THE PHIAL!
Dayn: No! It makes me faint. ;.;
Jerrica: I CAN'T NINJA IN DARKNESS!
Travis: THEN GIVE ME THE DAMNED PHIAL!
Dayn: No time! *hack, hack, slash*
Hawkslayer: O.O IT'S ME! AAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Dayn: Whoops...
Travis: GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE YOU MAKE THINGS WORSE!
Dayn: Okay, okay, fine. *hand*
Phial: *sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeen*
Travis: Woo!
Dayn: Why is there so much more light when you do it? :(
Keethrax: *Isn't there*
Hawkslayer: o.o Oh crap.
Jerrica: Dammit, he fled when we were stumbling around... I bet he's miles away now.
*on the ceiling above*
Keethrax: Pleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookupPleasedon'tlookup*etc*
Travis: *standing still with his eyes closed*
Jerrica: What is it?
Travis: *zaps wand of magic missile at ceiling, hitting Keethrax*
Keethrax: AHHGH! *falls, breaks neck on ground* X_X
Dayn: How did you know he was up there!? O_o
Travis: I've told you before, I have good hearing and tracking and stuff.
Dayn: I don't recall hearing that you could detect things that aren't moving and have dissapeared up on a high ceiling and are completely impossible to see from where we were!
Travis: GOOD HEARING AND TRACKING AND STUFF. DEFINITELY NOT. NOT. NOT. NOT. NOT CHAOTIC INFLUENCES WHISPERING INTO MY MIND, DRIVING ME INSANE WITH GUILT OVER LETTING YOU LIVE! NO! NEVER! I DENY YOUR WILD ACCUSATIONS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! *pant, pant, pant*
Dayn: *casts Calm Monster on Travis*
Travis: And he kept whispering "Please don't look up".
Dayn: Okay. That works.
Jerrica: ...
Keethrax: *stands up* 'Tis only a flesh wound... or a bone wound... *neck flops over*
Dayn: Let's end this... *swings sword at Keethrax, who easily parries*
Keethrax: Merely having a broken neck is not enough to kill ME. *head flops over more*
Travis: *starts bashing head on the wall* WHY *bash* WONT *BAsh* HE *BASh* DIE!!!? *BASH*
Keethrax: *strikes at Dayn with staff* EN GARDE, MINDLESS BASHER!
Dayn: *block* How can you even see what you're doing?! YOUR EYES ARE POINTED THE WRONG WAY!
Keethrax: Chaos is a mysterious force... and I have twelve eyes...
Dayn: No, you don't...
Keethrax: Don't I?
Travis: No.
Keethrax: >>>>>>_>>>>>>
Travis: Holy crap, where'd they all come from?!
Keethrax: I stole that scepter you had in your coat. *holds it up*
Dayn: ...
Jerrica: ...
Hawkslayer: O.o
Dutchess: ... BUS-TED!
Travis: ...
Keethrax: AHAHAHA! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL THEM YOU WERE HOLDING SUCH A POWERFUL ARTIFACT?! Malakai was a fool, and so are you!
Travis: I'LL KILL YOU! *lunge, magic missile, magic missile, magic MISSILE*
Keethrax: AAAAAAAAAUGH! *falls into nearby mine shaft*
Travis: ... You got shafted!
Dayn: Should I slaughter him for not telling me he was holding the Sceptre of Chaos, or for making that horrid pun?
Dutchess, Jerrica, and Hawkslayer (o.O): BOTH!
Travis: THE SCEPTRE! *jumps into shaft* AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU, PRECIOUS SCEPTARIANA!!!!!!!!!
Dayn: He even NAMED it...
Jerrica: AFTER HIM! *gets shafted... err... jumps in mine shaft*
Dayn: THERE BETTER BE NO MORE PUNS! *leaps in*
Hawkslayer: O.o *leaps in*
Dutchess: ...
...
...
Hawkslayer: o.O *pokes head back up* Aren't you coming? It's not actually that deep, I'm standing on Dayn to get up here.
Dayn: OH GOD, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO EAT SO MUCH RAW MEAT?!
Hawkslayer: GRREAAAAAAT! 0.0
Dutchess: Oh, fine, fine. *leaps in, clawing her way past Dayn* Whoa, tight quarters.
Dayn: I... hate... you... all... Lawfully. But I still hate you.
Travis: I GOT IT! And the Black Torc... today is my lucky day. >=D
Dayn: Oh no, it isn't. *tries to grab sceptre* IN THE NAME OF ONN-
Travis: MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! *clutch* GeT BaCk, or I will be forced to slaughter all of you... *growing horns* WOOHOO!
Dayn: Okay, fine, I won't take it from you, BUT LOOK WHAT IT'S DOING! DO YOU WANT TO BECOME LIKE HIM?! *points to Writing Mess of Crimal Phaos* ... Wait, wrong one. *points to Writhing Mass of Primal Chaos*
Travis: ...
Dayn: All I want to do is stow it somewhere safe. Please!
Travis: No. >:D
Dayn: ONN DAMN IT, JUST GIVE ME THE SCEPTER!
Travis: NEVAR! *runs through a door, or attempts to, and it smacks him in the face, knocking him unconcious* X_X
Dayn: That works.
Jerrica: Bones... smashed... *has several large paladin boot prints on her back*
Dayn: Let's just take this and put it somewhere saf- *WHAM*
Keethrax: YOU WILL NEVER KILL ME! *most of the bones in his body are broken, yet he is still able to stand up and fight*
Dayn: Why won't you die?!
Keethrax: I am... REALLY STUBBORN.
Dayn: Oh. I thought you were going to say you were undead. Still, to be safe... *splashes holy water on Keethrax*
Keethrax: ... My CLOOOOOTHES... >_< *STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB*
Dayn: *caught off guard* AUGH! AUGH! AUGH! UGH! AUGH! X_X
Travis: X_X
Jerrica: X_X
HawkslayeR: O_o
Dutchess: -.-
Keethrax: Just you and me, Hawkslayer...
Hawkslayer: 0_> *Shoots about fifteen arrows at Keethrax, all of which hit vital organs*
Keeledthrax-err, Keethrax: Oh. *falls over and dies... FINALLY*
Hawkslayer: Critical hit. ^.O
Travis: MINE! AHAHAHAHAA! *picks up scepter* FEAR MY QUICK RECOVERY SKILLS! Au... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! *Turns into a writing mass of pencil shards*
Ni'Pregh: Okay, that's it, I'm redoing time.
Onn: But the humans are OURS to play with! :(
Ni'Pregh: Oh shut up, you inferior god.
*edit edit*
Travis: MINE! AHAHAHAHA! *picks up scepter* FEAR MY QUICK RECOVERY SKILL- OHMYGODWHYDOIHAVEANARMGROWINGOUTOFMYFOREHEAD?!
Ni'Pregh (elven chaotic god) : Much better.
Corellius (elven lawful god): ARE WE GONNA PLAY CARDS OR NOT!? The human gods invited us here to play cards, not mess with the humans!
Ni' Pregh: Fine fine... Flush :D
Human gods and Corellius: Awwww...
Ayssia (elven neutral god): Four of a kind =D
Ni' Pregh: I hate you...
Onn: You hate EVERYBODY!
Ssraxx: I love you. ^^
Ni'Pregh: Not true. I like him. >.> He shows proper worship.
*back on the mortal realm*
Dayn: Give me the scepter!
Travis: *smashes potion of cure corruption on his head, making the arm and horns go away* NO!
Jerrica: Dayn, he's not giving it up. Work on it later, arguing will get us nowhere.
Hawkslayer: O.O Especially because the walls of this place are closing in.
Travis: What the hell? No they are-*turns around to find himself face to face with a wall full of spikes that's steadily advancing towards the other wall* Oh.
Dayn: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
*Indiana Jones theme*
Jerrica: That's kinda catchy.
Dutchess: DUN DUN DUNDUN, DUNDUNDUN!
All: DUN DUNDUN DUN DUNDUN DUN DUNDUNDUN!
Travis: Insanity aside, HOW ARE WE GON- *looks at scepter* oh hell...
Dayn: What?
Travis: This scepter is an artifact, right?
Dayn: Yeah...
Travis: And artifacts can't be destroyed...
Dayn: Not by anything we could hope to possess.
Travis: I could *shudder* use it to keep the walls from closing in on us long enough for us to get out of here.
Dayn: Best idea you've had, ever. Do it.
Travis: ... Or I could just use the rune covered trident :D
Dayn: SCEPTER.
Travis: AWw.... but... oh nevermind... *jamwedgejam*
Walls: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *screech to halt*
Dayn: ... Did they just squeal?
Travis: <_< I dont know, nor do I care, let's just get out of here before I decide to take the scepter down and let the walls crush us all to death...
*much escaping later*
Dayn: Everybody out?
Jerrica: Yep.
Dutchess: Yep.
Hawkslayer: O_o Yep.
Travis: *stares at scepter keeping the walls apart*
Dayn: You do know that if you try to get that, you'll be crushed...
Travis: I know...
Dayn: Come on, let's go.
Travis: Give me a few minutes...
Dayn: Please tell me you're not planning on going down there to retrieve it... it looks unstable as it is.
Travis: I won't... I just wanna look at it for a few minutes. I promise, I won't go down there.
Dayn: Alright... *walks off with the others*
Travis: *Glances over his shoulder, then casts magic missile at such an angle that it bounces off the ground beneath the scepter and hits it, sending it sailing into the air. This causes the two walls to slam together*
Dayn: *Runs up to Travis* What happened!?
Travis: The walls slammed together... and the scepter is in them...
Dayn: Uh-huh <_< *takes out corruption o meter and waves it over Travis, causing it to immediately go off* Just as I thought! Hand it over!
Travis: If you insist... *hands Dayn the Black Torc*
Dayn: ... *waves corruption meter over Travis again, this time with no results*
Travis: Happy?
Dayn: Very, let's go. *walks away*
Travis: *holds out hand and catches the scepter just before it hits the ground* So am I... *hides the scepter* I better be more careful this time... *runs off to catch up with Dayn*
*on an entirely different plane*
???: *watching a crystal ball with Travis running out of the druid cave* KeEtHrax... NoT AGaIn... WhY Do I aLWaYs HiRE SuCH IncOmpETenT hElP?!
Keethrax: PLEASE BOSS, JUST ONE MORE TIME! Just send me back once more, this time I'm sure I'll beat them! And even get the scepter back!
???: NO, yoU StOlE My MeLeE liNe.
Keethrax: Awww... but it felt so good...
???: tHaT's WhY ONly I CaN SaY iT, BlaSpHEMer! NoW Get ThE PuRpLe NaiL POlIsh, My FeMalE ChAoS KnIghTs NeeD a ManIcUre. >:D
Keethrax: That's just cruel...
???: I'M ThE UlTimAtE ChAoS GoD, WhAt Do YoU ExPeCT?
Travis is more cunning than you thought, isn't he? Who is the Ultimate Chaos God? Not much else to say, except tuneinnexttimeforthenextepisodekthxbai.
© 2007 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir.