Chapter 6: Plotting Against Hotzenplotz!
*after much traveling later*
Travis: I think my luck is getting better. *dodges an arrow* The only thing that's happened so far is that I've gotten shot at with a couple arrows!
Dayn: *dodges arrow* IT'S NOT JUST YOU! BARBARIAAAAAAAAAAAANS!
Travis: Crap.
*Air is filled with the twanging sounds of bows, more than a dozen*
Travis: Maybe I could cast-
Dayn: ARE YOU CRAZY?!
Travis: Quite possibly...
Dayn: With your luck, you'll blow both of us up!
Travis: And?
Dayn: JUST SHUT UP AND GET DOWN BEFORE WE BOTH GET SHOT!
Travis: Okay, if you say so... *dances as arrows are shot at his feet*
Dayn: There, that boulder! *shoves Travis behind boulder*
Travis: *clunk* OW!
Dayn: *blocks arrow with shield and dives behind as well*
*Arrows are now pelting against the boulder, bouncing off as the barbarians keep up a continual stream of surpression fire on the two adventurers*
Travis: The only way we can beat them all is magic!
Dayn: Yeah, this coming from a wizard who, when he casts anything other than healing spells, ends up blowing himself up!
Travis: I got it figured out...
Dayn: I think it would be easier if you just layed the healing on me while I bashed their brains in.
Travis: No... watch this! *hands glow red*
Dayn: What the... ARE YOU CRAZY!?
*Travis casts Fire Bolt at Dayn*
Dayn: AHHHHHHHH!!
*The spell turns around and goes toward Travis, who dodges*
Travis: Watch this...
*A barbarian is fried, but the bolt bounces back at Travis, who dodges again, sending the bolt at another barbarian, who is fried. The bolt bounces back again, and so on until all the barbarians are all fried*
Dayn: *blinks*
Travis: As I've said before, I'm doomed, not stupid or slow.
Dayn: Point. You let me do the bashing and you make with the smarts and healing.
*bowstring twangs and arrow sails through the air, nearly embedding itself in Travis' skull&
Dayn: DOWN! They got reinforcements...
*arrows are once again pelting the boulder*
Dayn: Any bright ideas? Either of us go out there, we're dead. They're using longbows.
Travis: I'm too tired to cast any more spells...
Dayn: Damn. And I'm out of large rations, too... I coulda bashed some of their skulls in with a couple.
Travis: Did I mention I can teleport?
Dayn: ... the only reason you continue to be alive right now is because... y'know what, I have no idea. I'm letting you live for the hell of it, oh wait, no, because you can GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!
Travis: But, I can't control it... and-*poof as Travis dissapears and reappears two feet away* -with my luck, or lack of, we'll end up in the middle of them...
Dayn: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!
*Rabid dog howls, flies in from behind in a leap, and explodes violently. The barbarians all clutch their ears and stop firing*
Travis: Luckily, you've got quite a throat on you there! Ever consider being an opera singer?
Dayn: HAHA!! *runs out and slaughters the barbarians while screaming himself hoarse*
*one hour later, at the West Continent of Ancardia Wildlife Headquarters*
Wildlife ranger 1: Sir, we've received an alarming report of dogs and other animals with the ability to hear high-pitched sounds having their heads randomly exploding in the Drakalor Chain, and others being in extreme pain. The dog and jackal population is plummeting.
Wildlife ranger 2: Not good. Any other strange reports?
Wildlife ranger 1: A lot of hearing-related problems among the inhabitants of Terinyo and the value of potions of ear repair is skyrocketing.
Wildlife ranger 2: Eh, probably not related. By the way, how many species were just made extinct today?
*back with our adventurers*
Travis: *dodging a falling tree branch* So, where do we go now?
Dayn: First, we go see Rynt to get our reward for saving Yurgigs.
Travis: Yrrigs...
Dayn: Right, right. Then we see if there are any more quests available. Wonder if roundyman has any.
Travis: Roundyman?
Dayn: Er, Tywat Pare, sorry.
Travis: i dON't tHInK i wAnNa KNoW...
Dayn: O_O
Travis: What? I like that accent...
Dayn: Never scare me like that again...
*one Rynt-meetage later*
Dayn: Well, that was nice. Munxip's shop stuff is now half price...
Travis: What's with the head?
Dayn: Oh, killed a raider lord, gave roundy-er, Tywat- the corpse. Guess it's to serve as an example.
Travis: So now to find a new quest, hm?
Dayn: Yup. Wonder if roun-DAMMIT, TYWAT- has any.
Tywat: Funny ye should mention that! *jogs up* I would like ye to take out Hotzenplotz, the evil crime lord. Ye can find him at Lawenilothehl, the outlaw village to the southwest.
Dayn: YES! FINALLY! A QUEST THAT INVOLVES KILLING STUFF!
Travis: Haven't we or you eventually ended up doing that on every quest so far, regardless if it was what the original quest was about in the first place?
Dayn: Yes, but now it's officially sanctioned =D
Travis: Umm, *turns to Tywat Pare* Can I get a restraining order?
*after this, Travis and Dayn head to holeinthewall-er, Lawenilothehl*
Dayn: Here we are.
Travis: Indeed. A derelict and muddy settlement populated by equally derelict and muddy people.
Dayn: Where did that come from?
Travis: That sign...
Sign: Welcome to Lawenilothehl, the (un)holiest hole-in-the-wall you will ever visit! Proudly since five years ago, "a derelict and muddy settlement populated by equally derelict and muddy people." Population: Various outlaws, muddy people, beggars, and crime lords. The proud home of Hotzenplotz, killer of at least thousands! Of, y'know, helpless traders. And maybe a couple heroic adventurers.
Dayn: Oh... *hears ringing* Hey! Let's go see what the have at the shop here.
*at the shop*
Dayn: Hm. "Barnabas' black market".
Travis: Cursed scroll of uncursing for 94205014 GP?!!
Barnabas, the shopkeeper: Well, it is a BLACK market.
Travis: You gotta be kidding me, nobody will pay this much for all of this!
Barnabas: You'd be surprised.
*In cave*
Goblin: Heh, when an adventurer kills me and reads this scroll, he'll be cursed FOREVER! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
*back in wherever*
Travis: This stuff is too overpriced. We're leaving.
Dayn: Ya- OOOOH! SHINY!
Travis: DON'T! GIVE! IN! TO! THE! SHOPKEEPER'S! OVERWHELMING! CHARISMA!
Dayn: But, so shinyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy @.@
Travis: Don't make me cast magic...
Dayn: O_O Time to go...
*outside*
Dayn: I can't believe those prices...
Travis: Yeah... let's find this hotplate or whatever his name is and get outta here...
Dayn: There he is. There, that hut...
Travis: I don't see him...
Dayn: You're facing the wrong way...
Travis: *turns around* Oh...
Dayn: He's got two bouncers there. That might get ugly if they all gang up on us.
Travis: You take care of Hopscotch, I'll take out the bouncers.
Dayn: Gotcha.
*Dayn and Travis walk up casually to the hut*
Hozenplots: Who be ye?
Dayn: Oh, just your doom.
Hotzenplotz: Oh, another group of adventurers Pare sent to kill me. Ha. Do your worst.
Travis: *whispering to Dayn* I think he's onto us...
Dayn: Ya think? ATTACK!!
*Dayn brings his sword crashing down onto Hotplate-er, Hotzenplotz's head, the blade bouncing off of his helmet. Hozenplots pokes Dayn in the stomach, sending him flying back into the wall of the black market. Travis is backed into a corner, trying to fend off the bouncers with a large ration*
Travis: *eats ration* Forget this... do you know what happens to half-orc bouncers when they're blasted with a fireball?
Bouncers: Umm...
Travis: The same thing that happens to everything else (including me)!
*Travis casts Fireball, and explodes violently, killing the bouncers and blasting Hotzenplotz's house to smithereens*
Hotzenplotz: OW! GAH! MY HOUSE! AND-
*SPLAKORCH*
Dayn: Hi there, bitch. *has his sword planted in Hotzenplotz's gut*
*EVISCERATE*
Travis: Splakorch? O_o
Dayn: Nevermind. His behaviour was far too ant-like for my liking, so I ran him through by his weakened armor. Nice job with the house and bouncers, by the way.
Travis: Thanks. *is on fire*
Dayn: You do know you're on fire, don't you...?
Travis: It happens...
Our heroes, having completed yet ANOTHER quest, set off to receive their reward from roundym- err Tywat Pare. Tune in for Chapter VII: You're a hairy, wizard.
© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir