Chapter 7: You're a hairy, wizard.

*Back in Terinyo*

Dayn: We hath returned! *brandishes the corpse of Hopscotch... er, Hozenplotz*

Travis: Yeah, now give us our reward or I shall cast magic!

Dayn: Yeah, trust me, you don't want to make him do that.

Tywat Pare: Congradulations. Ye have freed this country of a dire scourge. *drops a bone* Yer reward!

Dayn: ... not again. NOT AGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!! *runs out of Terinyo screaming*

Travis: ... You asked for it...

*20 minutes later*

Travis: *walking out of Terinyo, which is on fire* Come on Dayn, let's go...

Dayn: You threatened him with Gorgak's foot funk, didn't you?

Travis: Yeah, but he didn't buy it so I had to blow myself up.

Dayn: Ah. Casualties?

Travis: Almost none, think I might have mutilated a couple goodwives though. Tywat, the bugger, survived and gave me the gold so I let him live... *muttering* for now...

Dayn: What was that last part?

Travis: Oh... nothing...

Dayn: Travis, try to stay away from the murderous thoughts... we might need people you kill for quests.

Rynt: *runs out of Terinyo, hair on fire, and stops next to the two adventurers* Oi, you two!

Dayn: Whoa, what is it, elderman? Er, Rynt? You look out of breath... and scorched.

Rynt: I'll conveniently ignore the fact that you set our village on fire due to the fact that I am currently in no condition to challenge someone who can apparently blow himself up at will. Anyway, now you have to try and find the source of all this Chaos stuff! To the west, you might find someplace that might be the heart of what's going on! Look out for a truly forboding place.

Dayn: Thanks for the tip, Rynt. ONWARDS! Oh, and by the way, you might want to put yourself out there, Rynt.

Rynt: Yeah... thanks. *goes off to find water as hair continues to be singed*

*Zelda overworld theme*

Dayn: So here we are, in the bright wilderness, on our way to what will surely be the heart of our quest!

Travis: Stop being so heroic-sounding or I'll cast Gorgak's foot funk on you, and beleive me, it won't go away for MONTHS.

Dayn: Yes sir. *cowers*

Travis: Still, though, you have a point. There has to be a heart of the problem here, and Rynt seems like someone who would pick up something like that. If we can find this place, we might have found where we need to go to save the Drakalor Chain.

Dayn: ONWARDS AND FORWARDS!

Travis: IN AN ONWARD MANNER!

*ka-ambush*

Dayn: CRAP!! *dodges arrows*

Travis: RAIDERS!!

Dayn: Get down! *shoves Travis into ditch*

Travis: So, what do we do NOW!?

Dayn: *blocks arrow with his shield* There are only a few of them, I'm guessing four, but they look pretty skilled given how fast they're shooting arrows. If we or you can take out a few, I should be able to block the arrows with my armor and shield long enough to get close.

Travis: Alright! I like blowing myself up anyway...

Dayn: Whatever you say, mister suicide bomber. Just make sure I'm at a safe distance.

Travis: Then you better get behind that rock over there *points at rock a quarter of a mile away*

Day: I don't suppose you know any spells that can stop arrows long enough for me to get there without being shot?

Travis: Nope.

Dayn: Damn. *deep breath* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!

Travis: *covers his ears*

Dayn: Dammit, they're wearing earplugs and apparently stocked up on potions of inner ear repair. Looks like I'm gonna have to run for it. *leaps out of ditch and starts running, blocking arrows with his shield until it becomes a pincushion of arrows*

Travis: Now for the fun part! *runs out into the middle of the raiders and explodes, killing all but one*

Dayn: *is thrown forward by force of the blast, smashing headlong into the boulder* AAAAAAAGH!! Ow... x_X

Last Surviving Raider: I'M GONNA DIE! *panics and runs away, screaming like a/the little/tiny girl*

Dayn: Well, my shield is ruined. *holds up shield, which is now full of arrows* It's more like a freeform quiver holding broken arrows. *chucks shield aside* Thankfully, I still have my sword... *grabs sword and it turns to dust* ... DAMMIT!

Travis: Sweet! a CRYSTAL TOWER SHIELD! *picks it up* I will never be hurt again ^.^

Dayn: WHY the hell didn't I go to that goddamn unarmed fighting course...? Now I'm defenseless! Oh well, at least I have my chain mail... *looks at chainmail, which has a rather large hole burnt through it* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!

Travis: *equips shield* Aww... this thing is broken... this wouldnt protect me against a fly... *tries to uneqip it* Well this is just peachy... It's cursed...

Dayn: Oh wait, I picked up a quarterstaff earlier... *grabs quarterstaff out of pack, it breaks in two* ... do you ever get the feeling that the universe is out to hurt you and you alone?

Travis: Yes... but that's because it is...

Dayn: Maybe those raiders have something I can use... DAMMIT, all their weapons were melted in the explosion ;_;

Travis: *is trying to pry shield out of hand*

Dayn: Don't bother. Any cursed item can never be removed until it's uncursed or removed magically. No matter how weak or strong the curse is or how experienced the caster is.

Travis: Explain why I can't get these rings off then...

Dayn: ... what? They're CURSED, doomed, rings of doom , meaning, you're royally f***ed when it comes to removing them!

Travis: Thank you Mr. Obvious...

Dayn: How can it be obvious if you asked me to explain it without a hint of sarcasm?

Travis: *looks at Dayn, then at the ground, than back at Dayn* You're an idiot...

Dayn: Et tu, brute.

Travis: *whaps Dayn with the shield, splintering the fragments into his face*

*two days later*

Dayn: D00000000000000000000000000000000000-

Travis: I KNOW YOU'RE BORED, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP MAKING A MAGINET BUSY SIGNAL!

Dayn: Sorry...

*one day later*

Dayn: Dammit, where is this place?

Travis: A forbidding cave entry leading into the depths of the world.

Dayn: Huh? Where'd that come from?

Travis: That sign...

Sign: Welcome to the Caverns of Chaos, the chaosiest place you'll ever visit! Proudly since forever, "a forbidding cave entry leading into the depths of the world". Population: A lot of immeasurably dangerous creatures that will peel the thin layer of sanity back from your weak grip on reality and subject you to faceless torture for the rest of eternity as you mutate into a creature of Chaos. Home of the Chaos incursion into Ancardia. Sign copyright Hal's discount boilerplate signs n' such, proud supplier of signs to such places as Lawrenthoihl and the Caverns of Chaos!

Dayn: They have a lot of weird signs here...

Travis: Yeah, and a lot of them are boilerplates with wooden letters tacked on over older ones.

Dayn: Like I said, weird. Well, here we go!

*one CoC-enterage later*

Dayn: *whapping a goblin with a large ration* Ever get the feeling you've done this before?

Travis: Yeah, this is just like any other dungeon. The chaosiest place, my ass.

Chaos Brother: We WoUlD Be PlEasED To HaVe Ye In OuR FaMiLy!

Dayn: You want to adopt me?

Travis: Er, no, Dayn. I think he wants to corrupt you into a shambling mess, infiltrated by Chaos, and have you join the twisted forces of Chaos to wreak havoc on Ancardia, a shadow of your former self, until such time as you become a being of Chaos itself, a writhing mass of the essence of Chaos and corruption.

Chaos Brother: SaME dIfFErEncE...

Dayn: Ohhhhhhhh. DADDY! ^.^

Travis: *slaps forhead*

Chaos Brother: gIVe ME a HUg soN!

Dayn: okay ^.^

Chaos Brother: LeT Me CorRupT ThEe! MuWaHaAhAhAeHeHe!

Travis: *carves Chaos Brother into pieces with bare hands*

Dayn: O_o you kill daddy?!

Travis: *Shakes Dayn* SNAP OUT OF IT!

Dayn: X_x sorry. How the crap did you do that?

Travis: A nifty spell called Blade-Steel Hands.

Dayn: You mean Teras Kasi?

Travis: WRONG SETTING, MORON *whap*

Dayn: AHHH! MY FACE! *bleeding profusely*

Travis: O_o sorry

*ten stitches, 3 bandages, 4 castings of cure light wounds, and 2 dungeon descents later...*

Dayn: ...

Travis: I said I was sorry!

Dayn: Yeah, sorry for forgetting that your hands WERE TURNED INTO STEEL THINGS OF SLASHING DESTRUCTION AND STABBITY DEATH BEFORE USING THEM TO FWAP ME IN THE FACE!

Travis: Yeah... that was pretty stupid...

Dayn: You're telling me... hey, another down staircase. Let's go.

Travis: Hey, where'd you get that sword? I thought yours got blown up.

Dayn: Heh, I slept with a female swordsman and... well.

Travis: O_o seriously?

Dayn: Of course not, every swordsman in this godforsaken place is either interested in their own gain or wants to kill you. I looted a corpse and found another sword and shield, as well as a mithril spear. I'll always have a backup weapon now =D

Travis: Lucky you *pries shield out of hand and throws it.* HA! *It boomerangs back to his hand and welds itself to it again*

Dayn: *dodged the shield as it came around* WATCH IT!

Travis: Sorry.

Dayn: Here, take this short sword, it's better than fighting unarmed with a shield that doesn't protect you. You might not be able to wield a good shield with it, but still...

Travis: Heyyyyyyyyyy... I have an idea!

Dayn: What?

Travis: *grabs one of Dayn's surplus small shields and welds it to the upper hilt of the sword using Burning Hands (which surprisingly doesn't backfire)*

Dayn: O_o

Travis: It's a swordield! *hefts new weapon*

Dayn: You know... that's not a bad idea! Now you've got both in one unit!

Travis: Yeah, surprisingly, and it will also block all strikes against my hand, making it helluva hard to disarm me.

Dayn: For a moment I thought you were trying to create sword-shield chucks.

Travis: HAH! Now that's a funny idea... sword-chucks. Pfft.

*moment of silence*

Dayn: Hey, you ever get the feeling that in some other dimension or world... somebody, possibly a fighter in a destined group who's pathologically stupid, just... defeated some kind of half-snake fire demon using aforementioned sword-chucks after battling this aformentioned - six-armed, and six-sworded - demon to a whirling standstill?

Travis: Nope...

Dayn: Me neither, let's go...

*At the bottom of those stairs*

Dayn: Hm. The floor on this place is covered with sand... I think I see blood. Do you smell sweat?

Travis: Yeah.

Dayn: It's almost like there have been a ton of fights here... do you hear that?

Travis: You mean the ecstatic cries of a large crowd and the kting of weapons bouncing against eachother as two combatants fight to the death?

Dayn: Yeah.

Travis: Some kind of... arena, I think.

Dayn: I'd agree. All the signs are there.

Sign: Welcome to the Arena, the arenaiest place you'll ever visit! Proudly since a bunch of people moved down here and started up a gladiatorial arena in the most bizzare place ever, namely a forbidding cave entry leading into the depths of the world, "The floor of this place is covered in sand. You see the stains of blood and smell sweat in the air. You hear the ecstatic cries of a large crowd!" Population: A lot of ratling traders and gladiators who somehow made it past the legions of doom in the above levels to start up an arena in a place nobody would ever make it to in the first place, as well as the strange arena master who seems to have no bodily needs and never moves. Proud home of the aforementioned arena master. Sign copyright Hal's discount boilerplate signs n' such, proud supplier of signs to such places as Lawrenthoihl and the Caverns of Chaos (which you are in right now!)

Travis: Yep...


What will out heroes do now that they have stumbled on this crazily-placed gladiatorial arena? Fight to the death? Fight to the death with OTHER people/creatures? Keep on moving? Enjoy the incredibly boring (or WILL it?) conclusion of the Arena in Chapter VIII: Arena Antics!

© 2006 Travis Prue and Daniel Muir